themoonman

Apr 25, 2011 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Ringing Bells

Fresh coffee steams my glasses,
for one foggy moment
the crash of life is forgotten

outside
birds peck for hidden treats
and drizzling rain promises
yet another spring

while inside
I wait
for miracles of understandings
but my canvas remains empty

the rain comforts barren thoughts
coffee soothes the taste of losing
and those birds peck my brain

where are the bells
maybe the rusted chimes will know
perhaps it's not my turn again

I'll wait

About This Poem

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: South Carolina, United States, USA

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

weirdelf

14 years 2 months ago

fuckin' love it!

that first stanza just hooked me. Oh man it's a poem in itself, a modern haiku, crystallised existence. I don't think it needs the ellipsis.

The rest, even though it's in the first person, feels like it's happening to me the reader.

The first poem I've read in a while that really excited my sense of existential despair (make of the sentence what you will, teehee)

That ellipsis is my only crit or suggestion.

themoonman

14 years 2 months ago

Jess

Your response floored me, sorry about the ellipses, it's a bad
habit I've developed and I totally agree ... will remove.

thanks

Richard

weirdelf

14 years 2 months ago

thanks mate

as you say, time...

themoonman

14 years 2 months ago

Thank you Ian

We are all doing ok and I hope all is well there too.

This was a bit different for me, it's actually an older
one that I recently added to.

thanks

Richard

Roscoe Lane

14 years 2 months ago

Don't care if i'm ribbed, i'm saying wonderful because this is a wonderful poem. As Jess states it grips you right away, then carries you to a conclusion that you feel totally involved with. Regards Roscoe...

themoonman

14 years 2 months ago

Roscoe

I never expected these kind of responses, I know when
I like a poem but it sure doesn't mean it will fly here ...

thanks man

KINGZOMBIE

14 years 2 months ago

Great depth ...

I really like deeply felt poems like this.Everything has pretty much been said already.I do have suggestion that may be a better fit, I think "clash" instead of "crash" but I could be wrong, lol.Either way I really like this thoughtful and deep post.

themoonman

14 years 2 months ago

Thanks KZ

I'm glad you liked it and I appreciate the suggested
word change, I think either would fit, but I think for me
it would be a closer truth to use "crash" ... but thank you.

Richard

Janice Pearce

14 years 2 months ago

MOON~

I loved this one, grabbed me, then took me places with your thoughts got me thinking :)

themoonman

14 years 2 months ago

Janice

Where have you been? It was so good to see you here,
thanks for reading.

Richard

Janice Pearce

14 years 2 months ago

Richard

Loved reading it, Moon. Just busy, always here, just easing back into my passions :)

Race_9togo

14 years 2 months ago

Richard

This is beyond excellent. Absolutely timeless, completely evocative, I feel that change in awareness and consciousness, the brevity of that change, and the patient acceptance of emptiness, as I read.

In the second stanza, the use of "the" detracts a bit from the sense of suddenly-widening awareness, imo. What I mean is, the use of the definite article focuses the reader's attention on the birds and the rain, and thus decreases the focus, for me, from the sounds and actions of those two objects, instead. I also think that losing those two words would help the cadence too.

But honestly, that doesn't really matter.

Bookmarked, my friend. Awesomely good work.

themoonman

14 years 2 months ago

Jim

You are so right about the "the's". I'm going to remove them
along with the distracting little dots

thanks for reading and the improvements

Richard

scribbler

14 years 2 months ago

hello

There is free verse and there's good free verse, but this is better than good. The only alternative I can come up with is :Perhaps it's not again my turn.......but that may be my classic leanings coming out lol........stan PS makes me proud of living in same stae

themoonman

14 years 2 months ago

Stan

I am so glad you liked my free verse, perhaps I'll try my hand
at a more rigid rhyming style with my next submission.

You know, I'd agree with your change in the placing of "again",
if not for my reading it aloud to my sister yesterday, the way I
accented that particular word aloud was (at least I thought so)
very affective, not sure how to get that out on the net, maybe if
I used italics for that one word, not sure, but I think I'll leave it alone
for now, thank you so much for reading and your suggestion. I love
it when I'm made to think about why and how I've come to a conclusion
as far as word choices, that's what workshop is all about.

thank you sir

Richard

Geezer

14 years 2 months ago

Felt like...

I was smelling the fog of coffee myself, and seeing the empty canvas. You took me right along with you on this one.

The rain comforts barren thoughts
Coffee soothes the taste of losing
And those birds peck my brain

Those are my favorite lines. Maybe because it has rained with little break here for the last month.
~ Gee

themoonman

14 years 2 months ago

Guy ...

thank you, I knew that anyone that wore glasses and drank
coffee would be able to relate, happens if you have a good
ol bowl of hot soup as well (lol)

those damn birds, gotta love em ehh

Richard