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Nov 13, 2019
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Rise
Ok let’s get this straight
Life isn’t all that great
There is hell knocking at my door
And bodies on my bedroom floor
There is chaos in our eyes
And people full of lies
But why don’t we rise
Rise above all our problems and fears
And stop crying tears
Sure, we aren’t perfect
But life is worth it
Don’t you want to grow old one day
Or celebrate your children’s birthday
I want to live my life
Become someone’s wife
I want to see my grandchildren play
And think hey we’re okay
We’re free from the troublesome times
And all of our dreadful crimes
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
Sparrow 42
5 years 11 months ago
Ash
Firstly welcome to Neopoet, I hope you find us a great help,
We are here to learn how to write poetic forms of all types
so you should have no critique on your themes.
Loved this piece a lot, it can do with a few spaces to breathe.
The theme I notice you ask for care in comments.
Yes it is a hard life for many young ones.
Then us old ones, having more memories, seem to have to cry more.
You take care and find your own pathway in life.
Always remember that even now with all this technology around,
Life is still hard but you can still enjoy..
Yours, Ian T
Geezer
5 years 11 months ago
Whew...
I agree, this could use a little bit of breathing room. Maybe arrange it in four line verses. I am a big fan of rhyme and you seem to have a fair grasp of rhyming. I'm not sure that I get the significance of the bodies on the bedroom floor, was it just so that you had a rhyme? I like the theme. I'm thinking that you did pretty well in getting from the beginning to the end, but need to make it a little smoother. Nice first post. So, welcome to Neopoet and I hope that you get something out of joining our site. Be sure to read and comment on our other poets here. We all want to hear how we can make our work better. ~ Geezer.
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Barbara Writes
5 years 11 months ago
yes this was great
I loved the theme the flow and the rhyming. spaces between every four or more stanza with help with readibility
c lynn brooks
5 years 11 months ago
welcome
fellow poet
this has the beat of a rap song did you mean it to be so?
about the bodies on the floor I question the why behind that as well
Rottiestyl
5 years 11 months ago
Ash
Welcome to a Neopoet,
I did not have a problem with this having that no break feeling. It does read like a rap song but the rhyme and cadence made a good read for me.