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Feb 18, 2025
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Road to perdition
The birds hover and soar,
In watchful eye,
Over the blood and gore.
In advantaged sky.
Up above that fateful path,
That many trooped,
On history's graph.
As lower we stooped.
No limits on depravity,
Evil knows no bounds,
Stealing all sense of gravity,
Up above, not on the ground.
Fiction becomes more real,
Than the facts we once knew.
And the final seal,
Pinocchio's nose that grew.
We lost who we are,
Moral beings, sent away.
A stain, left an ugly scar,
Transformed our earthly day.
Not a script set in stone,
A path is there for us to make.
A helpful hand sees us not alone,
On this journey we could take.
And by turning the page,
Beyond what you can see.
A promise of light that's waged,
Of a better future for you and me.
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
5 months ago
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
This poem effectively uses imagery and metaphor to convey a sense of despair and hope. The use of birds as observers of the human condition is a powerful device, creating a sense of detachment and objectivity.
However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhyme scheme. The first two stanzas follow an ABAB pattern, but this is not maintained throughout the rest of the poem. Consistency in rhyme scheme can help to create a more cohesive and rhythmic reading experience.
The line "Fiction becomes more real, / Than the facts we once knew" is a thought-provoking commentary on the nature of truth and perception. However, the following line, "And the final seal, / When Pinocchio's nose grew" is somewhat confusing. If this is a metaphor for lies becoming accepted as truth, it might be more effective to introduce this metaphor earlier in the poem and develop it more fully.
The final stanza introduces a note of hope, which is a strong contrast to the preceding stanzas. This shift in tone is effective, but it might be more powerful if the poem built up to this moment more gradually. As it stands, the transition from despair to hope is quite abrupt.
The language and vocabulary used in the poem are generally effective, but there are a few instances where the word choice could be improved. For example, the phrase "Stealing all sense of gravity" is somewhat unclear. If this is meant to convey a sense of weightlessness or disorientation, a more direct phrase might be more effective.
Overall, this poem has a strong central theme and uses effective imagery and metaphor. With some adjustments to the rhyme scheme, development of metaphors, and word choice, it could be even more impactful.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Lavender
5 months ago
Road to Perdition
Hello, Tigger,
The title brought me in, and you definitely took the poem down that "fateful path." I agree with AI that the final stanza comes along a bit abruptly, possibly because the stanza before suggests moral beings were "sent away" and there is a "fatal scar." Seems so final, and then the emotion in the poem really switches fast, maybe a little too fast. I enjoyed the final stanza, full of hope, full of promise. Maybe add a stanza? I'll be back after your response!
Thank you!
L
Tigger Kaz
5 months ago
Struggling aggghhh
Struggling to make it transition better.
I know what you are saying, but it's finding the words.
Lavender
5 months ago
Hello, Tigger,
Yes! I think that added stanza makes a smoother transition. "Not a script set in stone..." helps the reader to pause and turn their mind in a different direction. I like it a lot!
L