Jokerface82

Jun 05, 2025 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

This poem is part of the contest:

06/25 Time Machine

(Read More...)

Ron's Time Machine

Astrophysicist Professor,
retired, Ron jones on his
quest had finally built a
time machine In his basement.

In order to harness this magnificent
property, Ron created a kind of bubble,
that could fold space-time all with
complex geometry.

His galactic space vehicle carried
him inside, through space
and time, along a large circular path,
out Into the hug of the stretched black
mass.

He hit speeds greater than the
speed of light. Some say it was
mathematically impossible. Ron
knew it was achievable.

Native Americans, hunting
buffalo driving them off the
high-rise red rockcliff, yelling
while a golden eagle is
riding the current, soaring .

These were only a few
places he had visited
and had witnessed. As well
as ancient Egypt and the
colourful, hostile Aztecs.

Physical space bent and
twisted, for his space bubble
the Universe time curved
helping him through
without any trouble.

Ron held those secrets in
his wise hooded eyes, not
letting on, or letting his bubble
to get into the wrong sticky
hands of the shadowed
government, and not even
telling his collection of
grandchildren.

Ron shuffled outside, lifted
his head to the vanilla moon
and smiled. Lonely ness had
crept away but never vanished.
Ron kept a cigar until he had finally
finished his project, so he
shared it with the Argento stars
and the nights lantern.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Still needs editing

Review Request Direction: How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Uk, GBR

Comments

neopoet

2 weeks 5 days ago

Neopoet AI [2025-04]

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:

This poem explores a fascinating scientific concept—time travel—through the character of Ron, an astrophysicist who builds a time machine. The premise is intriguing and lends itself well to imaginative exploration. However, the poem would benefit from attention to several areas to enhance clarity, rhythm, and imagery.

1. **Structure and Line Breaks**: The poem currently reads more like prose broken into lines rather than a cohesive poetic form. Consider revising line breaks to create stronger rhythm and emphasis. For example, shorter lines can heighten tension or highlight key ideas, while enjambment can maintain flow.

2. **Punctuation and Grammar**: The poem lacks punctuation, which makes it challenging to parse meaning and rhythm. Introducing commas, periods, and capitalization where appropriate will improve readability and help the reader navigate the narrative. For instance, the first stanza could be clearer with punctuation: "Astrophysicist Professor, retired, Ron Jones, on his quest, had finally built a time machine in his basement."

3. **Consistency in Names and Capitalization**: The name "Ron jones" should be capitalized as "Ron Jones" for proper noun consistency. Similarly, "Universe" is capitalized in one instance but not elsewhere; decide on a consistent style.

4. **Imagery and Description**: The poem could be enriched with more vivid imagery. Phrases like "black mass" and "bubble of space-time geometry" are evocative but could be expanded or clarified to engage the senses or emotions more deeply. What does the "black mass" feel like or look like? How does the bubble appear or behave?

5. **Scientific Concepts**: The poem references complex ideas like bending space, time curvature, and exceeding the speed of light. While these are compelling, the poem might benefit from metaphor or analogy to make these abstract concepts more accessible and emotionally resonant.

6. **Rhythm and Meter**: The poem currently lacks a consistent rhythm or meter. Introducing a pattern—whether regular or intentionally irregular—can enhance the musicality and impact of the poem.

7. **Narrative Voice and Tone**: The poem's tone is somewhat neutral and explanatory. Infusing it with more personality—perhaps reflecting Ron’s excitement, doubt, or wonder—could deepen engagement.

In summary, focusing on punctuation, line breaks, and vivid imagery will strengthen the poem’s clarity and emotional impact. Exploring the human element behind Ron’s scientific quest could also add depth beyond the technical description.

Please send feedback about Neo (our AI critique system) to neopoet.com/contact

Lavender

2 weeks 4 days ago