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Nov 29, 2024
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Rose Park Monolith!
Down at Rose Creek Park
lying on your side.
An overdose of heroin
has taken your sad life!
Your body pale,
your bloodied wrists,
the full moon in your eyes!
Last night a drifting derelict.
Don't think about
what might have been.
There's magic written
in the midnight sky!
What's mine is yours,
what's yours is mine.
We'll be there by and by
to carry out your lucid dreams.
Just don't look back
You'll find a friendly guide.
The truth it will expose itself.
Upon this pleasure ride.
Gaze into your higher self
while opposition thrives!
A heaven still awaits you,
twil' see you through the night!
About This Poem
Last Few Words: I've always felt a special place deep within my heart, for those who have lost their bearings and drift upon the wind. You cannot judge another until you've walked thier mile. So give the good Lord credit. your tradgedy will end!
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
7 months 1 week ago
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Rose Park Monolith!" presents a vivid and evocative narrative, employing a variety of poetic devices to convey its themes. However, there are a few areas where the poem could be improved for greater clarity and impact.
Firstly, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm and meter. The lines vary in length and syllable count, which can disrupt the flow of the poem and make it less engaging for the reader. Establishing a more consistent rhythm could enhance the musicality of the poem and make it more pleasurable to read.
Secondly, the poem could use more concrete imagery. While there are some striking images in the poem, such as "the full moon in your eyes" and "cross your rainbow bridge", there are also many abstract concepts and statements. Using more concrete imagery could make these concepts more tangible and emotionally resonant for the reader.
Finally, the poem could benefit from a clearer thematic focus. The poem touches on a variety of themes, including addiction, death, spirituality, and personal growth. However, it's not always clear how these themes are connected or what the overall message of the poem is. By focusing on one or two main themes, the poem could deliver a more powerful and coherent message.
Overall, while the poem has a lot of potential, it could be improved by establishing a more consistent rhythm, using more concrete imagery, and focusing on a clearer thematic message.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Leslie
7 months 1 week ago
Rose Park Monolith!
Same thing, but I hope a little better.
Geezer
7 months 1 week ago
Yes...
all heaven bound, write with integrity, indeed. How else to write, if not with honesty of your own self? The eyes looking out, see reality. Keep writing friend, ~ Geez.
.
Leslie
7 months 1 week ago
Sir G
Thanks for referring to me as a friend! The sentiment really helps!