Rusty Hinges

to fall asleep under a tree
blue shades of grass
laid back dog pal
and mud between my toes

one more shoeless day of denial

rosebud, my rosebud

now today, a tuesday afternoon
a knock on the door
I cringe

About This Poem

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Region, Country: upstate New York USA, USA

Comments

Kailashana2

14 years 2 months ago

Good bones, but I'd round it

Good bones, but I'd round it out a bit:

add colour to the dog and bud, what type of tree? and the *squishiness of mud between my toes* is rather awkward, I'd prefer: the mud squishes between my toes

love the feel of this poem, the impending *who's there*?

brittle light

14 years 2 months ago

yes! i have troubles knowing when enough is enough, or when something is too sparce...I guess that is one of the prime tricks of poetry, or any kind of writing... I, so far, simply write until I stop. Too much, not enough? I haven't a clue. Yet, I have to imagine I have gotten it right sometimes, and if so, purely by accident...so... thanks for the feedback. I can definitely use your suggestions and experience

thank you

p.s. did you see my reply to your comment on Plaides latest poem?

scribbler

14 years 2 months ago

hi Al

A good lazy day poem.I agree that a bit of description on dog would help. Were it my poem(which it isn't) I would say simply"The feel of mud between my toes" but that's just me lol...........scribbler