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Apr 28, 2014
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the sacred
a gusts flame......an eyes
mated fire,
meted torch; touch endeared
flint torque
heartbeat pugilist
colliding hermitage
from snake covulated
stream silhouette
juniper evergreen
desires....fiery venomous
jaffar nascent
foretaste sun nibbles
bliss brine of the corporeal...nuptial
and the bleeds rose healed
About This Poem
Last Few Words: on the day of a virgin getting her mortality,not death but otherwise perhaps after marriage night, the lovemaking compared to the rise of sun upon the jaffar at morning early and first rays pierce
Review Request Direction: Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
weirdelf
11 years 1 month ago
You did not tell the story.
And the poem reads like a list of words.
Be more human in your poetry.
emeka ozurumba
11 years 1 month ago
your critique best suits the
your critique best suits the occasion thank you, and I'm learning greatly from your advises, yours Jess