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Dec 29, 2024
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Samhain
October: Stillborn souls couple under sterile stars.
Here, a stagnant security claims it’s rentless rule,
shiftless peoples trek with dragging hands, rumor of razor
candies, radio codes from dim cars. Blue car called
Betty, finish baby blue, it seems only in time lost
I was inside you. Me, cartographer of abandoned
treehouse promises, you, curator of spoiled moons;
your face isn't held like a host, no face of evening light
in an album of lost time’s erasure. Sedate car you called Betty,
eyes baby blue, silent as this memory I have of you.”
This is years ago.”
Our syllabics wedded once in sincerity’s
Logos split simply and forever deep in the echoing hollow.
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
6 months ago
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Samhain" demonstrates a strong command of imagery and metaphor, which effectively contributes to the overall mood and tone. However, the narrative could benefit from more clarity to ensure the intended message is comprehensible to a wider audience.
The opening line, "October: Stillborn souls couple under sterile stars," is evocative and sets a somber tone. It also introduces an element of ambiguity that persists throughout the poem. While ambiguity can be a powerful tool in poetry, it may also risk losing readers if the meaning becomes too obscured.
The poem uses a rich vocabulary, but the dense language and complex sentence structure can make it difficult to discern the intended meaning. For instance, the line "shiftless treks dragging hands, rumor of razor candies, radio codes from dim cars" is filled with intriguing images, but their connection is unclear. Simplifying the language or providing more context could help clarify the intended message.
The use of personification, as in "I, cartographer of abandoned treehouse promises, you, curator of spoiled moons," is a creative way to characterize the speaker and the addressee. However, the meaning behind these metaphors could be made clearer.
The poem ends on a poignant note with the line "deep in the echoing hollow." This line effectively conveys a sense of loss and emptiness, tying back to the theme introduced in the first line. However, the preceding lines about a broken music box and "sincerity’s Logos" are somewhat opaque.
In conclusion, while this poem demonstrates a strong command of language and imagery, it could benefit from more clarity in its narrative and metaphors. This could be achieved through simpler language, more context, or clearer connections between images.
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