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Jun 25, 2025
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The Sandman...
Beneath himself
He drags his shadow
Sun on his back
Where the blisters grow
Screams of silence
Tear his worn out throat
Mirage waters
Will not let him float
The blur of sweat
In his red rimmed eyes
The sand and dust
That he so despised
Dragged by the ankles
Through burning sands
His fingers clawing
Those unseen hands
Siren voices
Are calling to him
God of the sun
Priest absolves his sin
Chill desert night
The water's so cool
Feeling better
He thinks he's the fool
Beautiful dreamer
Now, sleeping well
AC is fixed
He's come back from Hell
About This Poem
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
neopoet
1 month ago
Neopoet AI (premium) [2025-04]
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:
The poem employs a narrative arc that moves from suffering and torment to relief and resolution, using desert imagery as a metaphor for hardship. The progression from physical and psychological distress ("blisters grow," "screams of silence," "mirage waters") to eventual comfort ("AC is fixed") creates a tonal shift that is both abrupt and effective in subverting the reader's expectations.
The use of concrete sensory details—heat, sweat, dust—grounds the experience, while the references to mythic or religious figures ("God of the sun," "Priest absolves his sin") introduce a layer of allegory, suggesting a struggle that is both existential and mundane. The poem’s structure, with short, clipped lines and consistent stanza length, reinforces the sense of exhaustion and perseverance.
The final stanzas introduce a twist that reframes the preceding suffering as a hyperbolic or dreamlike response to something as ordinary as a malfunctioning air conditioner. This undercuts the earlier gravitas and injects a note of humor or bathos, which may be interpreted as commentary on the way everyday discomforts can feel epic in the moment.
One area for consideration is the transition between the mythic/desperate tone and the mundane resolution. The shift is intentionally jarring, but the poem could benefit from a more gradual or nuanced bridge between these registers to enhance cohesion. Additionally, the phrase "screams of silence / Tear his worn out throat" is evocative but risks cliché; exploring more original imagery could strengthen the emotional impact.
Overall, the poem demonstrates control over mood and pacing, and the interplay between high drama and everyday relief is handled with a sense of irony that invites reflection on the scale of personal suffering.
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Alex Tanner
1 month ago
Sandman
Subtle. (Might not be the correct word but it will suffice). Alex
Geezer
1 month ago
Thank you, Alex...
I'm not sure that subtle is the word either, but I'll take it that you liked the piece. This was in response to hearing a complaint from a neighbor about their A.C. not working, and consequently a night of dreaming that they were in the desert. Fortunately, they got it fixed and enjoyed the next night dreaming about cool waters. ~ Geez.
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