Sarah.

In our snap shut skin
in the blue twang of youth

We bound young wolves
in a palette of grey
We shackled
a snowflake in white

We manacled the sun
unto the day

We tethered the moon - -
to the night.

Obi.

About This Poem

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: int'topfield, GBR

Favorite Poets: Felix Dennis, Brian Bilston,

Comments

neopoet

2 years 3 months ago

Neopoet AI

The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Sarah" captures a sense of youthful rebellion and constraint through vivid imagery. The use of color, such as "palette of grey" and "snowflake in white," adds depth to the visual representation of the speaker's experiences. The metaphor of "young wolves" being bound is particularly striking, as it suggests a sense of danger and wildness being tamed.

One potential issue with the poem is that it feels somewhat disjointed. The lines don't flow seamlessly from one to the next, which can make it harder for the reader to fully connect with the piece. Additionally, the final two lines feel somewhat abrupt and disconnected from the rest of the stanza.

One possible line edit that could improve the flow of the poem could be changing "unto" to "until" in the line "We manacled the sun unto the day." This would make the line feel more natural and less archaic, which would help the poem feel more contemporary and accessible.

Overall, "Sarah" is a strong piece that captures a sense of youthful rebellion and constraint through vivid imagery. With a few minor tweaks to the wording and structure, this poem could be even more impactful.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Ruby Lord

2 years 3 months ago

Great poem, Obi. The comment

Great poem, Obi. The comment from AI doesn't sound true to me. Disjointed, it reads perfect to me and that's with an accent :) ha ha.
Not up to your usual standards in terms of subject matter and filthy language, but still a great poem to be enjoyed.

Obadiah Grey

2 years 3 months ago

Well, Ruby.

Well, Ruby.
If its of any help -
she had the best arse
and top bollocks known to man,
(Unfortunately, she had good taste too.)

Obi.

Ruby Lord

2 years 3 months ago

Every woman you've

Every woman you've encountered dear Obi, has the best arse and the greatest bollocks, pulled so taught you could bounce them on a tennis racket all afternoon just for shits and giggles my friend :)

Obadiah Grey

2 years 3 months ago

Oh, You know me so well !!

Cheers, Obi.

Geezer

2 years 3 months ago

I get it...

I love that you used the colors to define the subjects. It made them stand out, as the images are inextricably tied to those colors. I felt the strain of keeping the perception of your own from colliding with conventional images. ~ Geez.
.

Obadiah Grey

2 years 3 months ago

Hiya, Geez. I tried to use

Hiya, Geez. I tried to use colours and images alongside differing way of constraint (bound, shackled, manacled, tethered,) as a poetic devise to allude to the uncertainty of first love; I'm quite happy with the piece as this isn't my usual genre,,,, it's ok.

Cheers, Obi.