Savannah, I will this, To you

To walk in the sand at sunset,
The hand of your loved one
Lightly gripping yours.
To feel your bare feet press
Into the beach --
Knowing you belong, perfectly
Right there
Breathing
The air that is all yours.
To stand surely in your own presence
And know
Life is for you.
Your it. You’re the reason for it.

To feel the holy spirit, rise inside
And swell
Folding around you
As you hold tight your own child
Someday.
And every day after,
To hear God ringing like a bell
“Yes, yes, yes!
Come this way!
You are worthy of love
You are able to love others --
Safely, deeply, boldly.
Everywhere, always,
You are home.”

I want these things
For you.
More than my own joy and all my life’s dreams added up.

To hold close always and bundle up tight
Your natural, helpless, born spirit
That comforted your 1st grade friends on the playground, purely
All on its own
When they fell.
To care for own heart
Like you cared for them
As the years stack and grind.

To feel your worth. To understand your world--
Expanding out in concentric circles --
Just time, just space, just people, and you came here
For something
Amongst the particles and waves.

To hear it call and feel it pull
Letting doubts go
Charging into the leading edge of
Your precious time,
Sculpting the world your way --
Beauty, love, truth
Swirling in your wake
Pulling in an army
Of friends
To guard the flanks around you.

I want these things
For you
A thousand-fold more than any abandoned
Victory of mine.

And if you forget to
Remember me
I forgive you now --
That’s all built in, Little One.
You’ve already saved me
With crayon drawings on my refrigerator
And goodnight hugs you wouldn’t rest without,
With your bright face
Running up to me, telling me about your day
Shedding all other things away.
All I poured out to cover you
Was free to me
Once it was revealed to me,
And gladly traded back for a piece of eternity --
The greatest gold I ever found
Bouncing down the times, in your descendants’ pockets
Long after my memory.

But maybe….
you might,
When years have passed,
Think of me now and then¬ --
The Captain from your childhood
Who swirled you in the air
And walked you to school.
Who signed you up for ballet and got you Boba tea,
And guided your eyes
Back to your own sweet soul
Until you could finally see
Yourself - bright and true
As I did.

And maybe
Someday, you’ll feel me beside you again
For a moment,
As you watch a Broadway play
In the first row --
A glowing proper lady sitting straight and true
You’ll reach over to an empty chair
And pat the air
And remember hiding
Behind my leg
That first day at the children’s theater.
And how months later,
You ran straight in
Telling me to let you go, Captain!
You could do it!
And you did.
You danced boldly in your costume
A green corn stalk singing next to Dorthy
‘from here to there, there’s nothing but air, my heads so full of nothing”.
We gave you flowers after
And passed you around in our arms.

Maybe You’ll remember someday,
That day,
When you’re lost and hurt
And a force will form around you
From the substance of you
A solid link of truth
Piercing through the dark.
The devils pushing
Will scatter.
The demons pulling
Will crumble and fall
Clearing a path all the way back
To me
Holding you up --
All the way forward to your last breath.
We are the light.
We light the world.
We have to try.

All of this,
I squeeze my will, and pray for you,
As soldiers dream of home and weep,
Like that, I wish for you.

To walk down the Grand Canyon
Hot and dusty, someday --
A brave young lady absorbing the expanse below,
Your leather boots pressing down firm
Against the hard packed dirt,
Echoing right down to the center of the Earth
And right back up through your bones
Through your heart
Through your eyes meeting the vista, spilling out in gratitude --
All of it, one thing. You’ll know.
And just then, maybe,
If this peace in me now sets true,
A picture of me will visit your mind
As you wipe your brow and gulp down the hot air.

You’ll see me smiling, slogging up our University trail
And you,
A bouncy six year old girl
Running ahead of me.
You’ll remember packing a picknick
Of crackers and Capri Suns, and
How we sat on the top and looked down for
Your mom’s house below.
How we talked about the green and gold grasses
And the sky
And what kind of superpower was best -- nothing
Was between you and me and
The purpose of life --
As your tiny pink shoes skipped down the trail
And my arm took all your weight
Now and then when you slipped.
I felt the Universe patting our backs
Humming outloud --
“This is right! This is right!”
As your tiny greetings to passing hikers
Lit their facies in delight.

Now, as then, as always, I want this for you --
To have all your dreams shine in wonder
And embrace you tight
When you finally catch up and burst into them.
They’ll cry out “it’s really you, it’s really you!”
And you’ll look them back straight in the eye, unflinching,
Basking in the colors, letting them shower down upon you,
And you’ll whisper to the tiny girl
Still hiding under the bed inside you:
“Come out, come out!
It’s really you too!”
And you’ll raise her arms up high,
Just like I used to.

I want these things,
More than atoms want to break their shell,
For you.
More than life itself fights
To hold them all together, for you.

But maybe… also,
As the world cracks open and you solve its mystery
There will be a whisper
Of my presence
Nestled in the sweetness.
And you’ll flash a quiet smile to the horizon
Realizing
My love for you wasn’t just for then
It was planted in your whole life
And my dreams too
Have come true
In you.

And most of all I want this,
I will this,
My last wish and dream for you --
To hear your own boots squeak in the snow
And see your breath push out into vapor
As you sit down in your spot
Around the fire
Around your own family
The Christmas lights sparkling
The children catching snowflakes in their mouths.
You’ll breath in deep and feel the cold air
Filling you
Lifting you
Closer

And you’ll sense an old feeling, smiling over you
As you look out to the flickering trees
And see me,
Once more,
As I pulled you in your pink plastic sled
In the backyard --
Exhausted, dizzy, nauseous, but
Pulling again and again
Just to hear the joy in your laugh
I couldn’t let it stop

And you’ll finally understand
Completely
In the warmth of the firelight
Under the falling snow,
Locked in the circle of all you love,
That I too came here for a reason --
Amongst the particles and waves,
Emerging into being along side you --
Your Ka-in…Katin…Capin…your Captain…
Water thicker than blood…your once Stepdad.
And you’ll giggle quietly
As your own child looks up at you
Curiously --
At her mom laughing to herself.
And You’ll grab her up and swing her around
And then she…
Will know me too.

And she will feel
Back and back and back
All things have fit together
By hand.
And she will feel her spot forged-in
By five-9 gold
By choices – In us --
As real as matter –
Each step down the path, by mind
Pressing down hard with all our weight,
Moving the needle
Pointing it home
True north, we found it.
Inch by inch, adding it up, by heart, by love
Everything
Matters
You’ll show them all
Like your Captain showed you.

And I will be waiting
I WILL it now true
When you finally clear the last bend
And step over the last rise too
I will find you
Old and grey, I’ll know you anyway
I will always know you.

And I will grab you up and spin you in the air.