The Scarred Child

Whose blood is so cold,
that a child's life came to end
with a tragedy?
His flesh, marked by twisted scars.
that pierced through his aching heart.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Eastern

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: singapore, SGP

Favorite Poets: Emily Dickinson, Robert Frost, Sarojini Naidu and friends in Neopoet.

Comments

Vivovon

8 years 11 months ago

blood runs cold and cold blood

I understand that you are trying to highlight the child abuse. In my humble knowledge, I understand that 'the blood runs cold' means fear and 'cold blood' (e.g. in cold blood) means cruel. You will need to clarify you want to say 'fear' or 'cruel' here. Otherwise, I agree with you that we need to do more to stop the child abuse.

alidzain

8 years 11 months ago

Hi there!

What if I write "whose blood is so cold" instead. What I wanted to say who is so cold hearted in the first verse withoutbeing too direct but as English is not my native language,sometimes I struggle when I try to express what I wanted to say. Thus I really appreciate any suggestions from anyone as I am still learning the language .

Alid

jane210660

8 years 11 months ago

Hi Alidzain.

Hi Alidzain.
Short, sharp, piercing.
My blood runs cold with each real life horror story.
Well said. Jx

alidzain

8 years 11 months ago

Hi Jane

Glad you liked it.

Alid

Geezer

8 years 11 months ago

I took it as...

being cruel, right away! "Who's blood has run cold,
that a child life came to an end?"

But... you do have a point! It could there is a [fear] that a child's life came to an end through child abuse. Why not leave it the way it is and let people think of either way, whichever suits them. The effect is the same. You bring awareness to the problem. Nice work! ~ Gee.

alidzain

8 years 11 months ago

Hi Gee

I still wonder if we could continue with the "showdown" of our characters in spite of with all the new responsibilities I have after being a member of the Malay Poet Society here in my country. Its tough but I really love it because I liked writing so much. Tell me what you think. If you think we should continue or start from a clean slate, I'll squeeze in some time.

Anyway, glad you liked this one.

Alid

Geezer

8 years 11 months ago

I'm working...

on finding Killer a new cause. He needs to have something to get mad about. If your character is really mean and nasty and needs to be killed, Killer's your man! In spite of him being a killer and a cannibal, Killer is a nice guy. He only kills people that need it. ~ Gee.