Scream

This style is ofcourse your forte ..but in my opinion the title is softer than the brawn of this write....

Dan you are wilder in here then ever before. Who is this whore you talk of or sing of and my this one is a hard one to read. I have to agree with Raj little on the rough side but it is your piece of work. Sounds like you are reading to watch the chainsaw massacre?? lol

Love Mona

Punch can knock you out
this well written piece will take you out lol

as much as I love the visceral scream I'd like to hear a little bit of who and why here. Maybe not necessary, a primal attack is reason unto itself, but I when the target is female... eeek.

And that title, crikey man, it reminds me of that horrid mysogynist joke "what do you tell a woman with two black eyes?". "Nothing you haven't already told her twice."

This is a "get to you" poem. I think and feel this poem. Nice work...

Pixee

Dan, (way before my time too), the title made me think of *Punch and Judy*.... which as strange as it is, is appropriate.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Punch_and_Judy

check out what's available on youtube... lots of wild and whacky stuff.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1orgv9WKn4&feature=related

~A

(bridge)
Sucker punch
My fist into a bunch
Knuckle crunch
I block, defend
And avoid your counter-punch
Now you can scream

Now, bleed you fuckin' whore
I'm covered in brains and gore
You're full of bull, I'm the matador
Now scream

This is raw power, here. I can so relate to the feelings this piece evokes in me. Like Jayne, I can see hear and feel the music in a head-banger fashion. I wish I could express myself in such an inflamed fashion as you have done. Great job! I have no suggestions.

love, Cat

and I really think you might want to rethink the use of the word whore in this context. The association is female and you surely don't want your work to be taken as violence directed against women.

Especially when and if Theo returns.

;-)

~A

Hugs you Hooded Stranger you!

~

i'm glad you re-thought the last stanza

i read this yesterday, and thought it was quite
powerful with its loud, in-your-face anger...
but just couldn't get past the 'whore' line
the use of the word whore in a piece with this
kind of violence, made me, as a female feel
uncomfortable
i didn't for one minute think you were condoning
violence against women ...still ...i found it hard
going to be completely objective in a review, so
chose not to review it

i could so easily imagine this with music
very punchy beat (pun sorta intended!)
it reads at a cracking pace that suits the
subject

i like the repetition of the
"now scream" ...gives added weight
to the title

cheers
p

yes hood a heavy bass line needed for this one
I have gave you my thoughts on this piece before
i had not seen the problem with the deleted lines
before it was pointed out, am still not sure it needed
changing , I like these following lines as they set the
mood right from the outset

"Jam, your head into the vice
You have to pay the price
I'll make the cut precise
Now scream",,,,,,,,,,,always a treat to read your words ,,,,,,,,,zigs

Dan

I love this one especially the first verse and the chorus, no disrespect to your wife but I prefer the original final verse, but that is just personal preference, not a comment on the quality of the new verse.

I would take the second line out of the bridge, it some sounds wrong, I think it takes away a little of the impact.

Lou

Sorry about that, Dan - the unfamiliarity of the site meant I put a comment on this poem which was appropriate to another one...

I see that you are not afraid to tackle strong themes, dark subjects.

I think I only have one point about the edited final stanza, and that is that 'bloodied gore' is actually tautological.