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Oct 18, 2024
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Second Skin
A stranger in my own body
An intruder in my own skin
I have fallen victim of this
claustrophobic state
My body was a beautiful creation,
A sacred palace for the queen in
me
Til you distinguished all the
parts that made me a woman,
a mother,
And a sister,
My skin was molded with clay,
reflecting of art like Egyptian
sculptures
Til he painted it with scars,
Now like incomplete art,
I am left undone
Non of my best parts remain
best parts,
They have become
another worst part that I leave
hidden
About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
9 months ago
Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Second Skin" effectively employs vivid imagery and metaphors to convey a sense of loss and violation. The transition from a body being a "sacred palace" to being "painted with scars" is a powerful depiction of trauma. However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm and meter to enhance its musicality and flow.
The line "Non of my best parts remain best parts," appears to be a typographical error. If it's intentional, it might be worth reconsidering as it disrupts the flow and could confuse readers. If it's meant to be "None of my best parts remain best parts," the repetition of "best parts" might still be jarring to some readers. A suggestion could be to rephrase it to something like "None of my best parts remain untouched," or "None of my best parts remain as they were," to maintain the poignant tone without the repetition.
The poem could also benefit from more specific imagery. While the general theme of violation and loss is clear, the specifics of the trauma are somewhat vague. More concrete details could help the reader connect more deeply with the speaker's experience.
Finally, the poem ends on a note of despair. While this is a valid and powerful emotional note, consider whether there might be room for a hint of resilience or resistance, which could add another layer of complexity to the poem.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact