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Oct 18, 2024
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Second Skin
A stranger in my own body
An intruder in my own skin
I have fallen victim of this
claustrophobic state
My body was a beautiful creation,
A sacred palace for the queen in
me
Til you distinguished all the
parts that made me a woman,
a mother,
And a sister,
My skin was molded with clay,
reflecting of art like Egyptian
sculptures
Til he painted it with scars,
Now like incomplete art,
I am left undone
Non of my best parts remain
best parts,
They have become
another worst part that I leave
hidden
About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
9 months ago
Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
This poem effectively uses metaphor and vivid imagery to convey a sense of personal violation and loss. The transition from a "sacred palace" to "incomplete art" is a powerful way to illustrate the speaker's transformation and the resulting emotional turmoil.
However, the poem could benefit from more consistent punctuation and line breaks. For example, the phrase "Non of my best parts remain best parts," could be rephrased for clarity and impact. It might be more effective to say, "None of my best parts remain; they have become my worst," or something similar.
Additionally, the poem could delve deeper into the speaker's emotional state. While the physical transformation is clear, the emotional journey could be further explored to add depth and complexity to the poem. This could be achieved through additional metaphors, similes, or descriptive language.
Lastly, the poem could benefit from a more distinct conclusion. The current ending leaves the reader with a sense of incompleteness, which may be intentional, but a more defined ending could provide a stronger sense of closure or resolution, even if it's a painful one.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact