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This poem is part of the contest:

Neopoet Weekly 11/03/24 to 11/09/24

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Seeking Avalon

Sweet Avalon rising
somewhere ahead.
In the cloaking mist
floating with the gentle
rowing dipping,
flowing into the lake.
Glastonbury sighted.
The cloistered scrambling
to remain unseen.
Picking up their skirts
running like the pace
of the river all around.
Avalon becomes solid,
I weep with joy as
I am accepted by
the greeting of her shore.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: v

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Northwestern Wisconsin USA, USA

Favorite Poets: Edgar Allan Poe, William Blake, Bob Dylan, Tom Petty, Carlos Castaneda, Jim Morrison, the whole of Neopoet and many more.

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Comments

neopoet

neopoet

7 months 3 weeks ago

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Seeking Avalon" demonstrates a strong sense of imagery and setting, which effectively transports the reader to the mystical isle of Avalon. The use of sensory language, such as "cloaking mist" and "rowing dipping", creates a vivid picture and a sense of movement that draws the reader into the narrative.

However, the poem could benefit from a clearer thematic focus. While the journey to Avalon is clear, the purpose or significance of this journey is somewhat ambiguous. The emotional climax of the poem, "I weep with joy", might have more impact if the stakes or motivations of the journey were more explicitly outlined earlier in the poem.

The poem also uses a variety of sentence structures, which adds variety and interest. However, the phrase "The cloistered scrambling to remain unseen" is somewhat unclear. It might be beneficial to revise this line for clarity, as it is not immediately apparent who or what is "cloistered" and why they are "scrambling to remain unseen".

Finally, the rhythm of the poem is somewhat inconsistent. While free verse does not require a strict metrical pattern, a more consistent rhythm could enhance the flow of the poem. For example, the line "running like the pace of the river all around" is significantly longer than the surrounding lines, which disrupts the rhythm. Consider revising this line to maintain a more consistent rhythm throughout the poem.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

Geezer

7 months 3 weeks ago

I have visions...

of nuns running from the Saxons and hoping for sanctuary in Glastonbury.
I don't know if this is a history lesson or a metaphor for something else.
It reads well, there's just not enough to it to make an informed decision. I would love to hear more or at least an explanation of what you mean. ~ Geez.
.

Candlewitch

Candlewitch

7 months 3 weeks ago

Dear Geezer,

it is not until your helpful comment that I realized that the poem is not finished. It is about King Arthur's and Guinevere's history. I need to do a little more research to revise adding to this poem... I am off!

Geezer

Geezer

7 months 3 weeks ago

I understand...

Sometimes we are so enamored of a idea, that we do not realize that we have not made the point, instead we assume that everyone is along for the ride. I will be looking forward to the revised edition. ~ Geez.
.

Alex Tanner

Alex Tanner

7 months 3 weeks ago

Hello Cat.

Another favourite subject of mine. To do it really proud you have to aim for an epic else, as you have here, just a snapshot. The problem with the legend of Arthur is that once you start digging into it you find so much more, then more, then more still.
I look forward to your efforts. Alex

Candlewitch

Candlewitch

7 months 3 weeks ago

Dear Alex,

I started digging I put in the film, "The Mists Of Avalon" to go along with what I found on the net. You are so right...I could dig my way to China (or at least England or South wales) I have much more research to do. I hope to make something good and true of this. It might take a few poems to do right.

thanks for your support, Cat x

Alex Tanner

Alex Tanner

7 months 3 weeks ago

Try Watching

the film "Excalibur" I think one of the best. Or One of Mary Stewart's Novels. She wrote four, though they are primarily about Merlin they give a good insight into the legend. Alex

Candlewitch

Candlewitch

7 months 3 weeks ago

Thanks!

I will do so! this may become a few poems about the major characters!

hugs, Cat

Leslie

Leslie

7 months 3 weeks ago

I thought it was...

a beautiful description with great language. I also liked Geezer's analysis, but I think Alex was right there's alot more to put into this! Great job and keep on writing!

Candlewitch

Candlewitch

7 months 3 weeks ago

Dear Leslie,

my best time for writing is around 3 to 7am. thanks for your support in this project.

xxx Cat

Rula

Rula

7 months 3 weeks ago

A beauty

signed by a prowess poetess.
I just wonder what pills do you take:)

Candlewitch

Candlewitch

7 months 3 weeks ago

Dear Rula,

Thank you! I take too danged many pills, to my way of thinking (and insulin too)

xxx Candle

Rula

Rula

7 months 3 weeks ago

Dearest Candle

I didn't mean the pills thing literary.
I was just referring to your muse that inspires so many awesome poetry.
Well done dear

Candlewitch

Candlewitch

7 months 3 weeks ago

Dear Rula,

thank you so much, I was sort of joking about the pills, but I do feel I am coerced into taking them by Steve. I resent it, but I take them.

xxx Candle

RoseBlack

RoseBlack

7 months 3 weeks ago

What a beautiful beginning

I look forward to seeing a continuation of this if it is still a work in progress. The imagery was vivid and there was a calmness about the words. Well done!

Candlewitch

Candlewitch

7 months 3 weeks ago

Sweet Carrie,

thank you! I am at the moment overloaded with where to begin! I will figure it out, somehow, I will ;)
good morning to you!

Cat xxx

D

Dalton

7 months 2 weeks ago

Dearest Cat

I love the classical elements and pictorial design in rich language I can see the pleasure garden of the ethereal plain of Avalon with natural connections to Glastonbury tor and such. Mummy danced naked around Stonehenge in her youth amongst the Druids she passed this year in July to the next world though she would say of people dancing round the sacred site “did they do it naked? No? The pansies” her alma mater was Oxford university and a genius not to mention the most intuitive soul you could know as a psychiatrist you’d have loved her. As a mother and blessed in her profession I think you share similar qualities dear friend though your work is as a poet through this medium we heal souls. That’s our profession

Candlewitch

Candlewitch

7 months 1 week ago

My Dearest John,

I wish I had the privilege of knowing your Mummy. I am convinced I would have loved her! Thank you for your continued support, it is greatly appreciated, always. As is our friendship! Keep on smiling, my John!

love, Cat xxx

D

Dalton

7 months 1 week ago

Beautiful Cat

All the women in my family have been extraordinary strong willed and commanders of their own fates