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May 02, 2012
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Self Conflict
Dazed with pitiful bleary eyes
Spirit hopeless but in disguise
He acts strong but inside he cries
His life he wish he could revise
Bound to fail even if he tries
Anger explodes with no surprise
Blood an tears will fall as heart beat rise
Then fall asleep and meet his demise
About This Poem
Last Few Words: i made up the title at the last second.........realistically there is no title
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Rula
13 years 5 months ago
A good title(imo)
A nice piece to detect the human feelings and what sometimes
we intentionally like to hide or show. I believe this is something
human ..I like the opening two lines very much
Dazed with pitiful bleary eyes
Spirit hopeless but in disguise
His life he wish he could revise
I think this should be [he wishes] or [he wished]
You need to keep a consistant verb tense..Either you write it
all in present or in the past ..etc.
Blood an tears will fall as heart beat rise
Do you mean ..Blood and tears fall as the heart beats rise
Then fall asleep and meet his demise
I suggest ..
Then fall asleep to meet hes demise
Dark_Death
13 years 5 months ago
i was so drunk when i wrote
i was so drunk when i wrote this i forgot i did this until i woke up and found neopoet open
Candlewitch
13 years 5 months ago
Hello D_D,
I much like these lines:
His life he wish he could revise
Bound to fail even if he tries
Anger explodes with no surprise
I also agree with the suggested changes by Rula.
always, Cat