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Senryu Condemnation

Your words are poison
coated with honey-sweet lies
decreasing self-worth

Do not speak of love
when you caused many heartaches
with your selfishness

A real man speaks truth
not hide like cowardly fools
behind shades of lies

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Eastern

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: singapore, SGP

Favorite Poets: Emily Dickinson, Robert Frost, Sarojini Naidu and friends in Neopoet.

More from this author

Comments

Ian.T

Ian.T

11 years 3 months ago

Alid

Your strict syllable arrangement is spot on you have all that is required for a Senryu, now off you go and join Barbara Writes in her production of a Senryu, a few have been invited and with this piece I think that you can join us there,
Yours Ian.T

Barbara Writes

Barbara Writes

11 years 3 months ago

great

love it..
check syllable count in last line of senyru 2. I think its just 4_ so cas ual ly

Eduardo Cruz

Eduardo Cruz

11 years 2 months ago

Alid

this is very good in it's clarity, I just have one question.
I see that the syllable count is 5, 6, 5, but in the third stanza line two it is 7 syllables
"not hide like cowardly fools" (co-ward- ly)
I might be wrong it is just an observation...

Eddie. C.

S

scribbler

11 years 2 months ago

Hi Alid

The syllable count is spot on (5-7-5). From what I have heard the best Senryu always have a bit of a "twist" at the end though. But whether or not my memory is playing tricks on me this series ties together well.......stan

alidzain

alidzain

11 years 2 months ago

Thanks, stan

for the comment and the visit. See if you can help me with the twist.

S

scribbler

11 years 2 months ago

ok

First Senryu changed to have minor twist :
Your words are poison
always decreasing self worth
with honey sweetness

The twist is the dichotomy from poison / decreasing worth and honey sweetness..............stan