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Apr 17, 2014
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Senryu Condemnation
Your words are poison
coated with honey-sweet lies
decreasing self-worth
Do not speak of love
when you caused many heartaches
with your selfishness
A real man speaks truth
not hide like cowardly fools
behind shades of lies
About This Poem
Style/Type: Structured: Eastern
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
Ian.T
11 years 3 months ago
Alid
Your strict syllable arrangement is spot on you have all that is required for a Senryu, now off you go and join Barbara Writes in her production of a Senryu, a few have been invited and with this piece I think that you can join us there,
Yours Ian.T
Barbara Writes
11 years 3 months ago
great
love it..
check syllable count in last line of senyru 2. I think its just 4_ so cas ual ly
alidzain
11 years 2 months ago
Thanks, Ian & Barbara
for the visit and the comments.
Alid
Eduardo Cruz
11 years 2 months ago
Alid
this is very good in it's clarity, I just have one question.
I see that the syllable count is 5, 6, 5, but in the third stanza line two it is 7 syllables
"not hide like cowardly fools" (co-ward- ly)
I might be wrong it is just an observation...
Eddie. C.
Barbara Writes
11 years 2 months ago
Alid
This is great
scribbler
11 years 2 months ago
Hi Alid
The syllable count is spot on (5-7-5). From what I have heard the best Senryu always have a bit of a "twist" at the end though. But whether or not my memory is playing tricks on me this series ties together well.......stan
alidzain
11 years 2 months ago
Thanks, stan
for the comment and the visit. See if you can help me with the twist.
scribbler
11 years 2 months ago
ok
First Senryu changed to have minor twist :
Your words are poison
always decreasing self worth
with honey sweetness
The twist is the dichotomy from poison / decreasing worth and honey sweetness..............stan