scribbler

Jun 06, 2012 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

This poem is part of the workshop:

Working With Japanese Poetry

(Read More...)

SENRYU ( Japanese shop)

#1
Self professed genius
multiple advanced degrees
can't find car at Wal-mart
#2
Unsure why I take this action
or how to impliment
like the plan?
#3
Five trillion dollars more
unimaginable number
so much for "change"
#4
Tiny thong
bane of modesty
especially on him

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Eastern

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: South Carolina, United States, USA

Favorite Poets: Frost, Burns, Longfellow, Poe, and Johnson. I guess you've noticed these are all past masters. Other than folks on site I don't read any contemporary poets .

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

Ian.T

13 years ago

Stan

Now you have the bare bones of the Senyru the only thing to do is use a syllable count, to stretch, or shrink the odd line to conform with the 5-7-5 syllables.
Your subjects are fine and progressive, Yours Ian.T

PS;- I got this wrong there is no line numbers for senyru or syllable count.
I just did mine that way but that's meLOL

scribbler

13 years ago

Hi Ian

Let me check again, but I think Senryu is not governed by syllable count............stan

Ian.T

13 years ago

Stan

You are so right to write as you did Senryu can even be One liners.
It appears that I cannot read my own piece on this subject, so I cancel my comment and say sorry, Stet to all your words..
I am also learning, had never written more than one Haiku before this workshop but find it very interesting, and even learning about the other forms. I think you will find the last part very interesting as it is the Japanese version of a round Robin and I love Robins,
Yours A Sorrowful Sparrow....

weirdelf

13 years ago

by number

#1 crap. Doesn't say anything worthwhile

#2 This I like! You won't like my comment that it is an existentialist dilemma

#3 not much

#4 eeewww!

#5 waiting.

scribbler

13 years ago

Hi Jess

#1 might be a bit better now that I corrected typos
#2 why shouldn't I like that comment?
#3 can't please all the people all the time
#4 That's not what You wear when swimming lol...........
#5 there's supposed to be five?......................................stan

weirdelf

13 years ago

no 5 is supoosed to be a better one,

Japanese poetry is supposed to be exquisite and profound

scribbler

13 years ago

Hi

All I know about Senryu is what I looked up quickly on line. The main thing I got out of it was that a twist on human nature was a main ingredient and that they often were amusing............I had written a total of one Senryu in the past so my next one is bound to be an improvement..............stan

weirdelf

13 years ago

re-reading them

I think my first set of comments were overly harsh. You tackled the form well.

scribbler

13 years ago

hi

i expect the typo in the 1st one which I since corrected might have had a lot to do with how it read . But thanks for rereading them with fresh eyes..........stan

Barbara Writes

13 years ago

Some good senyru for start

Senyru #1 it's not exactly traditional Japanese form, but is really good senyru it has human content and the syllable count is right.
As for #2,3 and 4 syllable structure has not been meet.With some fine tuning these will be great. They're not Japanese, but more westerly different. Which is okay in that we are not Japanese and aren't fully capable of writing exactly as they do.. In my opinion Keepin basic structure and form is about as close as we would get as we write from our own disposition. That's what makes us creatively unique.

scribbler

13 years ago

Hi Barb

I'm going to research Senryu a bit further. It seems I remember reading somewhere that syllable count in senryu was not as strict as in Haiku..............stan