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sueb
sueb
Nov 28, 2012 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Senryu - Lotto

Okay I bought it
the winning lotto ticket
I can dream can't I

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Eastern

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Not actively editing

About the Author

Region, Country: Ireland, IRL

More from this author

Comments

Seren

Seren

12 years 10 months ago

Hi Sue

I thought this one was very clever I cant see anything to change the syllable count was spot on

well done

sincerely Jayne-Chloe :)

Rula

Rula

12 years 10 months ago

lovely one

sue . But I think others might tell you its a senryu as it is more concerned with human foibles.

sueb

sueb

12 years 10 months ago

ah I learn something new

ah I learn something new every day here it's gr8 I'm only a novice who writes for fun thanks so much never heard of a senryu and didn't know haiku's where just about nature glad u enjoyed cheers x

Candlewitch

Candlewitch

12 years 10 months ago

Dear Sue,

This is what dreams are for...winning the lottery would be the birth of the fullfilment of many dreams! Good luck!

:)

always, Cat (& eddy)

Ian.T

Ian.T

12 years 10 months ago

Sue

As Rula says it's a Senyru, the Haiku is about the seasons, yours is lovely.
Lovely to win though Eh! Yours as always Ian.T

sueb

sueb

12 years 10 months ago

Hi I didn't know anything

Hi I didn't know anything about Senyru never heard of it but I'm always delighted to learn thanks a mil glad u enjoyed cheers x

S

scribbler

12 years 10 months ago

Hi

Got my ticket too . Figure if I win the taxes uncle Sam gets would run the gov't about 6 minutes lol...........stan

weirdelf

weirdelf

12 years 10 months ago

if I may suggest

the last line doesn't add much, it's kind of implicit in buying lottery. And ending a poem with a question is never strong.
Some possible alternatives-
I still dream of more
all my dreams come true (eeek! a bad suggestion)
and will buy another

see where I'm going? You could add some philosophical depth.

S

scribbler

12 years 10 months ago

Hi Jess

I have to disagree about ending a poem with a question never being strong. Sometimes the entire poem leads up to the question which is posed to get reader to think. .............stan