Serenity

Just a touch on the Spirits journey here, it is so good to hear of others views of the after times, each of us have our own beliefs and many in these days just believe in an end to all things.
The later I think if their belief was true would lead a much better life.
Take care and our help goes out to you in your daily caring.
Yours Ian.T

This is quite beautiful, I am honoured if I inspired you in some small way, keep working your really starting to make inroads in your writing :)

Kudos

Love and hugs Jayne x

Just did a quick read and my first impression is that this might be the best of yours I've read. I'll return later and try to find some nits ti pick lol.......stan

I believe that we, artists, are all special in our own way and the only thing we have to do is to purify our art all the time. I don't think that it's good to change ''that something special'' much, like taking other people's opinions since we are all different it can often ruin the poem. But don't get me wrong because I really like advices, but only if they help you to find yourself a bit more, to see yourself more clearly.

The thing I noticed right away are ''.....'' , try not to use them, because when you do we except more words similar and we almost forget the last word in the line. If you avoid points the last word has a real meaning.

''At the end of a lifetime'' looks like the very beginning of a novel, I would use the word life here, lifetime is too determined word, try to use bigger words and abstract, you know life can mean so many things and it will give a poem so many varieties.The first thing I see when I read this is someone old and ready to die. what do you think about ''being far from life'' that's more like a specific feeling, and people who read it often connect with these lines mostly. So the first stanza would be like this:

Being far from life
a heartbeat is stilled
the mortal shell is shed
as the spirit ascends

last three verses are just great

In the absence of pain
it's a child with the wind
formless to the world
rose bud opening

''formless to the world''-it's just great
''dance with the wind'' is too strong for serenity I thing
and already used too many times
something like child, pure, innocent, fits more
but that's only my opinion

''unseen by the living'' well it's not that unseen actually, people want peace, freedom and all those things after we die for a whole life and it's absurd but it's like that. ''rose bud opening'' is distant and beautiful just what you need here so I thought that you might like it.

''Celebrating its freedom
on the stairway of stars,
it embraces true joy'' alid this is too direct you can always tell it in a better way
Just tell for how many times in life you have heard ''stairway of stars'' ''stairway to heaven''

Looking at freedom
is warmth on skin
invisible scream
and hope born anew

This is step by step, slowly, the way I like it, don't know about you, it's just a suggestion.

For after the touch of death
in the binding silence
it finds itself engulfed
in serenity

I wouldn't like to change anything here, it's already very strong.

And yes I forgot to say that I like this, there's a strong circle and very deep.
I would be happy if I helped you a bit :)

...of yours I have read.