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The Shadows' Connection 1 (Alid & Geezer's Hunter-KILLER SERIES)
Frowning Sulong Fazwan sat glumly in the train
Riding through the forest and mountainous terrain
A forced upon vacation, a supposed getaway
From a corrupted partner, leading him astray
"Don't let this be your ruin, hold up your career
"Never lose your temper" [which was very near]
Though the man was caught, Sulong still was angry
This break must be the thing, to bring back his sanity
Killer sat and stared, out at the scenery
He was working on a book, of new recipes
The air was thick and cold, riding on this train
He didn't even notice, Sulong's eyes of pain
As they pulled into the station, chuffing to a stop
Killer thought he saw, a man looking like a cop
He wore a pistol 'neath his jacket; packed it like a pro
Killer's seen a few, and he allowed that he should know
A few steps ahead, where the castle loomed,
all its armed guards have met their doom.
Vile men have come with vengeance in the mind,
the host was held captive, tied in a bind.
Their bald leader. executing his plan
with hopes to free his captured weapon's man
and spread the reign of terror across the land
with the virus he made with his two hands.
No one to meet the train, promised though it was
Killer thought the weather, maybe just because
Fulong and the Killer, no where else to go
Started off and walking, through the swirling snow
Ice crusted and shivering, they stumbled and they fell
At the icy gates, they rang the frozen bell
Long minutes creeping by, then a “Hello there?”
“Who is this a ringing; “Who, I ask, does dare?”
About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
weirdelf
8 years 6 months ago
Doesn't work alone as story-telling,
needs links to its prequels and sequels.
Some minor problems with meter, I've done a reading that should help you sort them.
Also some over-punctuation, some unnecessary commas etc.
https://soundcloud.com/neopoet/the-shadows-connection-1-alid
weirdelf
8 years 6 months ago
Perhaps you could bring this
to Wesley's Storytelling in Verse workshop.
Geezer
8 years 6 months ago
Sounds...
like a good idea, Jess. think maybe we will. ~ Gee.
.
Candlewitch
8 years 6 months ago
hey you two!
this tasty morsel was very tasty, teasing and tempting...I want MORE!
*ever eddy
& curious Cat!
alidzain
8 years 6 months ago
Hi there!
Glad you liked it. This will be the first of the 3 series. Truth is it is a combination of our characters that we created in our poems. My character, Sulong Fazwan is a law enforcer and one of the members of the Hunters. Gee's Killer character happens to be a cannibal who kills and eats bad people. My inspiration to write storytelling in poetry form began with Ian's Digit.
Alid