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Sep 18, 2011
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Shark's Pool
I’ll have to buy tobacco very soon
or else I have to smoke the wretched crap.
I keep it on the chance I might run out,
but elsewise I prefer my Captain Black.
Buying my tobacco must be sooner
than the chance I’ll smoke the wretched crappy.
Keeping it on chance I might run out soon,
Captain Black I elsewise do prefer it.
Steam from an engine is rising
masking a frothy dark umber.
Cream colored foam hangs upon it.
Crusting and dripping it changes.
Muscle in movement formations
shaping on cold winter mornings.
Exercise done, I untack him.
I can think of no subject more mundane than my job. Parse this sucker please.
About This Poem
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Kailashana2
13 years 9 months ago
Mastered iambic verse, Wesley
Mastered iambic verse, Wesley. You win hands down.
~A
wesley snow
13 years 9 months ago
clueless in a workshop
But now what do I do? wesley
wesley snow
13 years 9 months ago
That is not at all fair. You
That is not at all fair. You made me spit my coke up. wesley
weirdelf
13 years 9 months ago
'pon my word sir,
a hit, a most palpable hit.
Perfect. I knew this workshop would be a stroll for you but hope you get something from it.
Certainly others will gain from your expertise.
Kailashana2
13 years 9 months ago
I love the fact that we have
I love the fact that we have fun in our workshops.
Btw, do you guys have a headache after smoking? lol.
~A
wesley snow
13 years 9 months ago
Blake
Jess, your William Blake is not iambic. What's up with that? Fix it. Surely you have the influence. wesley
weirdelf
13 years 9 months ago
teehee, perhaps
but also enough respect to get onto a medium to ask permission.
A hint, lot's of us change our signatures all the time so this exchange could soon become confusing.
weirdelf
13 years 9 months ago
Blake, through my medium, said he would haunt me forever
if I touched one syllable of his verse.
Who could pass up an opportunity like that?
http://new.neopoet.com/node/apologies-blake-wesleys-challenge
themoonman
13 years 9 months ago
Hi Wes ...
Welcome to the workshop. I won't pretend to
be accomplished at metered poetry, or really
accomplished at any aspect of the craft, but
I do try. I'm not sure why anyone else has not
rewritten your four lines and pointed out the
iambic pentameter, but I am going to try it ...
the caps indicate where I read the stress points.
With that being said, I also think that stress points
are depending on personal or cultural language in
individuals, thereby not necessarily making this or
any reading a 100% correct conclusion. I think the
success of metered poetry is for it to be widely read
in the intent of the author by the readers. The reason
I am saying this is because your first word is "I'll", and
it could arguably be considered a stress point in the
sentence.
i'll HAVE to BUY toBACco VEry SOON
or ELSE i HAVE to SMOKE the WRETCHed CRAP.
i KEEP it ON the CHANCE i MIGHT run OUT,
but ELSEwise I preFER my CAPtain BLACK.
ok, that's how I read the stress points, and I do
believe your intention as well ... thanks for joining
in.
weirdelf
13 years 9 months ago
I didn't parse it
because it was already correct.
But it is excellent exercise to parse things for yourself.
wesley snow
13 years 9 months ago
I agree with Jess...
that scanning ourselves is critical. Keats said that if "poetry is not written naturally, it should not be written at all."
Therefore I agree with The Moonman that ANY poem can be read in a different fashion depending on how one is educated (school, culture, friends, first language). I would never accent the "I'll" in my first line, but a friend who read the poem back to me did. She was told nothing about how it should be read, she simply spoke it so.
Jess, I paste my new poem over the old? I am computer challenged, so I want to be straight on this.
wesley
weirdelf
13 years 9 months ago
after the old,
not over it. So we can compare them directly, one after the other.
wesley snow
13 years 9 months ago
Trochee
Okay, here's my homework. It's ugly and was a bitch to do. Glad I'm in a workshop. No one is going to let a poet like me out on the streets. wesley
weirdelf
13 years 9 months ago
probably none of us
should be allowed out on the streets, as a matter of public safety.
[grins]
weirdelf
13 years 9 months ago
It's not pretty,
But it was a valiant effort. Meter first, then poetry, in this workshop (is that blasphemy?)
Buying/ my to/bacco/ must be/ sooner
[Have to buy tobacco soon, not later?]
than the/ chance I’ll/ smoke the/ wretched/ crappy.
[or be forced to smoke that wretched baccie?]
Keeping/ it on/ chance I/ might run/ out soon,
Captain/ Black I/ elsewise/ do pre/fer it.
[I reckon if we could just do something with that last line it would be quite reasonable]
but the meter is perfect. No reflection on you as a poet, it's a bugger of an exercise.
It does show two important things though. One that iambic is the most natural meter for English and that pentameter is a fairly natural line length (about one breath for a reader) and two that the metric form can be determined by content. Trochaic seems to lend itself to a more formal, stylised content.
By the shores of Gitchee Gumee
By the shining big sea water
wesley snow
13 years 9 months ago
Not pretty...
...is an understatement. wesley
wesley snow
13 years 9 months ago
Okay, new homework
I can't explain why I was able to do this in dactyl, but it started to happen and didn't discourage it. wesley