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Feb 19, 2014
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in the shit
Wading through
long blades,
tickling my palms
with their tips
stalks crack...
underfoot,
the smell of hay
permeates the air
black torments
dive bomb my face,
my hands become
windscreen wipers
far away machines
growl out the work,
as cows bellow
all the way to the bales
and then,
I was looking around
taking it all in,
until I felt a warm squish
yes it was cowshit...
I had to smile
I was home...
About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
eightmenout
11 years 4 months ago
Hey Jayne
Hope you are doing well. Really like the poem. Have spent many a day on the farm. This brought back a lot of memories.
Well done as always. Only crit I have is the word selection in S4 with "growl" and "bellow". Think that you can make some changes here to strengthen the imagery.
Scott
Seren
11 years 4 months ago
HI Scott
Hmmm I will give those two words some thought I maybe able to come up with something better ?
Glad you liked the poem I appreciate the comment and the read
love JC xxx
alidzain
11 years 4 months ago
jayne
I really admire you, you know. For one, most of the time, I can't use less than 5 syllables in a single line like you did . Its seems so easy for you and the flow is just perfect, beautiful..you write like an artist. do a beautiful painting. You always leave me craving for more. I can read your works again and again, they never gets old, dear.Seriously, I want to be like you.It's magic . Thank God for you and thank you for sharing,. You're awesome.You're one of my heroes.
(clapping!)
Alid
Seren
11 years 4 months ago
Alid
My goodness I don't know what to say, I write in the style that I started in its just how they come out, I don't format them that way, I am so glad you can find something to come back to a second time its a mark of good poetry when words draw you back
Thank you again my friend you've made me feel very humble tonight
love and hugs JC xxx
scribbler
11 years 4 months ago
Hey Jayne
Now you know I HAVE to suggest something lol. I have also been around cattle a good bit and that line about the cows bellowing all the way to the hay? They are usually also running or at least trotting. Maybe you could work that in. I really liked "black torments".Hmm...and maybe tall blades instead of long blades? Keep a cool drink handy to ward off the late summer heat...........stan
Seren
11 years 4 months ago
Stan !
I would expect nothing less than at least one suggestion hun :), I will try and work there travels to the dairy shed into the poem, tall blades ? I thought I would try something different from the norm I always read tall blades so I chose to go with 'long' instead ... I will give it some thought though
Its been a shocker of a week the humidity has been horrid I cant wait for Autumn to come they said we have some autumn-ish weather headed our way I cant wait lol
love JC xxx
Race_9togo
11 years 4 months ago
Lord help me
If I had a nickel for every time I stepped in cow shit on my grandad's farm, I'd be a rich man!
Should "bails" be "bales"?
nothing else to critique!
excellent poetry, love the ending.
Seren
11 years 4 months ago
He he he I would be rich as
He he he I would be rich as well :) thanks for the catch on bails/bales as soon as I saw your comment I was like HUH ? then realized what I had written thank you...
glad you enjoyed it Bro'
much love (((hugs))) JC xxx
raj
11 years 4 months ago
Hi Jayne
Me late on this one. It pretty well expresses the maze one finds oneself in. The end lines sum up the state of mind at the end of the maze which connects with the title. All I can say is get your feet out of that shit pronto lol...
much love and hugs..
Seren
11 years 4 months ago
Dearest Raj
Bit hard to stay out of the shit at the milk shed the stuff's everywhere, I don't know where I am at the moment I am a little lost but I am getting somewhere just not quite sure where lol big smile
much love and hugs JC xxx
Seren
11 years 4 months ago
Thanks Ephy
I am pretty tall do I have to bend down to get that head pat LOL sorry couldn't resist
glad you liked it
love JC xxx