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Race_9togo
Race_9togo
Sep 03, 2011 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Shoreline

There is a breathlessness upon this shore
at dawn, gold sand whispering with rush of water
before the breeze becomes a wind,
and people start to stain the land.

In all the moments of my life,
each second fractured into infinite new parts,
the only other place I feel so timeless,
so encompassing, is in your arms.

Where blue water reaches up from depth
to touch my skin, I feel your thigh
pressed close on mine, as warm as risen sun
splintered into shards by gentle waves.

I think this is the place I'd like to rest,
since I cannot have my final peace
within your arms, so hold me now,
then after, spread my ashes here,

on edge of blue and gold,
where this quiet and my life with you
feel so eternal.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Earth Vicinity (within a five light-year radius), ZZC

Favorite Poets: John Donne, T.S. Eliot, Serendipity, Emily Dickenson, Kailashana, Charles Bukowski, Kabir, Rett, Dalton, W. B. Yeats, William Blake, Rainer Maria Rilke, and many other Neopoet poets; Neopoet has heavily influenced my poetry and my ability to write it well.

More from this author

Comments

themoonman

themoonman

13 years 10 months ago

Jim ...

Good to see ya. I like this poem, takes me inside,
and it's filled with love there.

thanks

Race_9togo

Race_9togo

13 years 10 months ago

LOL

Not QUITE the effect I had in mind, but I'll take it.
Thanks Anna.

Race_9togo

Race_9togo

13 years 10 months ago

Thanks man,

another love poem, without that bloody word!
lol
Glad you enjoyed it so.

Psyve

Psyve

13 years 10 months ago

Jim,

Very serene. I felt the love there. .
I think the honesty of your emotion shows in this poem.
Enjoyed the read.

Psyve

Race_9togo

Race_9togo

13 years 10 months ago

Thanks Psyve

When I write for my woman is when my feelings show, you're right.
Glad you like it so much!

R

raj

13 years 10 months ago

Jim

i would describe this as a classical expression of intimate moments of a passionate heart...with exquisite choice of words to emote ...thanks for sharing...

weirdelf

weirdelf

13 years 10 months ago

Love the poem

but take a moment to re-read it and see if some of the line breaks could be removed, the meter would work beautifully.

Race_9togo

Race_9togo

13 years 9 months ago

Hi Jess

Well I tried it.
It's more difficult than I imagined, not because I didn't know how to do it, but because my natural inclination is to want to write short, terse lines.
But I like this version, it seems calmer, and that in turn serves to intensify what I feel for the place, at least, for me.

Thanks mate, your crit and ideas are valuable to me.

Race_9togo

Race_9togo

13 years 10 months ago

Hmmm.....

I'll have to think about this, Jess, so watch this space!

Thanks mate.

S

scribbler

13 years 10 months ago

hello

Vivid imagery an emotion. Bet your beloved really liked it. Only alternative I come up with are :
s-1,l-3 try gold instead of golden
s-2,l-6 maybe encompassed as in being held within her arms
Just alternatives, not necessarily better........stan

Race_9togo

Race_9togo

13 years 10 months ago

Hey

Thanks for the ideas.
Glad you enjoyed this.

M

magics02

13 years 9 months ago

Race

It is almost 2am and not being able to sleep stumbling here and there to stop and read and fell my eyes upon this poem of yours. First let me say it touched me and no not in the physical sense but in the mind and heart of sense. The ending superb and surreal as I am also happy to see you are in here kicking it up a knotch and writing about what means the most to you and I can tell by this write it is your gratitude to your loving wife. And to your life.

Blessings friend and hope you are on the mend soon.

Can not give this the crit only sharing my own feelings of how it read and grabbed me by the coat tails. Oops I do not wear coat tails, forgot:) Smile friend

Hugs
Mona

Race_9togo

Race_9togo

13 years 9 months ago

Thanks Lonnie

I wasn't really sure I wanted to post this one, to be honest, but what the heck, it's Neopoet! Always need some d\feedback!
Glad you enjoyed it so.