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Jan 10, 2022
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The Silent Burn
Oft cast aside for the sun, the shadow is a silent killer.
For you can survive a flame only to feel smoke’s knife twist through you.
Beware the masks that hang from the walls
For behind them hide the deadliest flames
If only the fire had kept to the walls
Perhaps the smoke scars that line my arms
Would be naught but peach fuzz
and the night would remain dark.
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
Geezer
3 years 9 months ago
Hello...
Welcome to Neo. I like the dark feel of this, although I find it a little oblique. I am going on the assumtion that it is about addiction and the attempts to recover from it, but the references to masks on the wall and the statement " The night would remain dark" give me pause. How else would the night be, if it weren't dark? I think that you need to read it as if you didn't know the story to begin with, if you wweren' the author. ~ Geezer.
.
Obadiah Grey
3 years 9 months ago
How about,,,
How about,,,
"Oft cast aside for the sun"?
perhaps omit the "but" from L,5.?
Great intro to a new forum.
Hello.Obi
scribbler
3 years 9 months ago
welcome to neopoet
The first line is excellent in my opinion. It grasped me and required I continue reading. Now line 4......You might try"for behind them lurk the deadliest flames" and see if it works better for you. BTW If you have any problems here on site just holler. If I can't help I'll point you toward somebody who can