Silver Trout

I met you in September
Oh! How I do remember
We stumbled into December
Still a lonely member
January set us on a fire
Only for the rain of winter to come
To wash away all that was prior
No more messages
No more kisses
All that is left are the other fishes
Her tears could cry a sea of creatures
But the only creature she wants
Is the only one she misses

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Region, Country: England, GBR

Comments

Esker

11 years 5 months ago

last line....

the poem i like very well..
language use..word use..flow..
i keep remembering the remakes
of old tales......thenarrations
of burtons..suess...snickett..
"a creature of one....is the one she misses...."
because the multitude is the facet in the
above line....that boring nameless replication
that does nothing for the narrator
the fishes.....its two tiers ..the old standby
"all the fish in the sea...."
etc.....

love...lament
new worlds had creatures

but then again you write extremely well
maybe its me....i struggle with the last line
i see its very clever in re reading a few
times....

more then my own change....

thank you !

Race_9togo

11 years 5 months ago

Hello Stephanie

This is excellent.
Concerning the last line?
Split it into two:

"But the only creature she wants
is the only one she misses"

it makes a more pronounced pause in the cadence, which re-enforces the rhyme with the two preceding lines.

hope this helps.

Stephanie

11 years 5 months ago

Thank you Jim

I like the idea of splitting the lines and will do that now. Thanks.

Ian.T

11 years 5 months ago

Stephanie

A short time to live, love, then leave, I have been there done it and still wear the tea shirt lol Just a few changes can be done and it will be sorted, Yours Ian.T