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A slave of flames

An angel once walked
Through a thick forest.
Her wings, so astonishingly celestial,
Dazzling in the sunlight—
Except, they’re burning.
A flame so invincible
That it’s endlessly ignited.
It wounds the heart,
And she shall search
For how to extinguish the ember
Before ashes mark the ground.
Thence, through seasons,
A lake was found.
And in the angel’s eyes,
That was the most ethereal scenery
She had ever witnessed.
It held thousands of shades of blue
In its eternal depths.
Hypnotized by the comfort of it,
The heavenly creature
Leaped into
What might put an end
To her fragile, burning feathers.
Abruptly, the feeling of being
Suffocated and stuck
Fiercely clung to her.
There was
No comfort,
No ashes,
No drowning,
No sense of being loved,
Only the everlasting fire.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Serbia, SRB

Comments

neopoet

4 months 1 week ago

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "A Slave of Flames" successfully employs vivid imagery and metaphor to convey a narrative of struggle and seeking relief. The metaphor of the angel with burning wings is compelling and carries the poem's theme of suffering and the search for salvation.

However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm and meter. The irregularity of the line lengths and rhythm can be jarring and disrupt the flow of the poem. Establishing a more consistent rhythm could enhance the reading experience and make the poem more engaging.

The poem also tends to tell more than it shows. For example, the line "No sense of being loved" directly tells the reader what the angel is feeling. Instead, consider using more imagery or metaphor to convey this emotion indirectly. This can create a more immersive and emotionally resonant experience for the reader.

Lastly, the poem could benefit from a more clear resolution. The ending leaves the reader uncertain about the angel's fate. While ambiguity can be effective, in this case, it might leave the reader feeling unsatisfied. Consider revising the ending to provide a more definitive conclusion to the angel's journey.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Lavender

4 months ago

A Slave of Flames

Hello, Mini,
How incredibly sad and painful. A slave indeed. I like the way this flows. It kept my interest the entire way through, and I was a bit surprised with the ending. Very dramatic and strong.
Thank you,
L

RoseBlack

4 months ago

Well done

I love how this flows and the imagery is bright and vivid. I can see her walking with her wings melting and sticking to her. A slave to her life indeed.