alidzain

Nov 13, 2014 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Sleepless In Singapore

Lying restlessly on my bed,
the entangled thoughts in my head
is the dragon I can't seem to slay.
Its holding my beauty sleep at bay.

The hours are leaving me behind
I'm tired but peace eludes my mind
so I drag my feet to the balcony,
seeking peace from this night's scenery

As a gentle breeze teases my hair,
I raise my chin, enjoying the cool air.
The mistress moon and clustered stars
set me thinking of friends afar.

There's Jayne who has been ill of late,
Ian who has been a kind mate,
Rula, the sister I respected
and many others I have treasured

I think of foreign lands, deprived of peace
where children are orphaned by beasts.
They struggled to survive in the ruins.
Compared to their trouble, mine is nothing.
Thus my heart is filled with chagrin

Here I am, bemoaning sleeplessness
when out there, there's a river of sad tears.
In a city unlike mine, ravaged by warmongers,
the villains spread their reign of fear.

Time passes by quickly and the night sky unravels.
The moon and her escorts retreated from my world
as the tinge of gold marks the sun's return
to his glorious throne in the face of heaven.

Sighing, I stretched my arms and legs,
wishing I don't have to be awake
but my responsibilities await me
and I'm not one to abandon my duty.

I have been robbed of my sleep again
but at least I have regained
a reason to keep on smiling
and let my heart sing.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: singapore, SGP

Favorite Poets: Emily Dickinson, Robert Frost, Sarojini Naidu and friends in Neopoet.

Comments

raj

10 years 8 months ago

Alid

I liked this piece which creates a good image of insomnia and accompanied restlessness, when thoughts roam the empty streets with unease..but slowly transition to the glow of the rising sun..the only thing which distracted me was the rain..which does not gel with the moon and cluster of stars (bright ideas)...i could guess that by rain (tears) you may have meant overwhelming which is fine..but to keep in context of the scenario just change those lines and it would work even better is my opinion...

well done friend...

Regards,

alidzain

10 years 8 months ago

Hi Raj

You are right. I know something is off but just can't pinpoint it. I've changed "rain" to "river" and I think it works better.

Alid

raj

10 years 8 months ago

Good change Alid. I think

Good change Alid. I think this works better...what do you think?

Regards,

alidzain

10 years 8 months ago

Like I said, Raj

I think it sounds better.

Alid

Roscoe Lane

10 years 8 months ago

Nice poetry,

Nice poetry with a very pertinent story, just two suggestions if i may. Verse two line four, try (seeking peace from this night's scenery). And verse three line one. try( as a gentle breeze teases my hair ). Small changes but they may make sense. Still a very nice poem. Regards Roscoe...

alidzain

10 years 8 months ago

Thanks, Roscoe

for the visit and the suggestions, Done the edit.

Alid

eightmenout

10 years 8 months ago

Alid

I really liked the first three stanzas and their flow, but you lost me in the last three. the flow changed and the language was not as polished. I also feel like you rushed the last stanza.

I do believe this poem has great potential and is worth the time.

Thanks

alidzain

10 years 8 months ago

Hi Alvin

First of all, thanks for the visit and the feedback. What would you suggest to even out the flow?

Alid

Race_9togo

10 years 8 months ago

Pretty good poem Alid

It needs a little tightening, but the imagery and emotion in this come through well.

Verse 3, lines 3 and 4:

"the mistress moon and a cluster of stars
set me thinking of friends from afar"

Perhaps something like

"the mistress moon and clustered stars
set me thinking of friends afar"

The meaning is the same, the imagery is still good, but the cadence is tighter, smoother and more fluid.

Verse 4 line 1 is too long, it causes a pause and stutter as I read it.

"Here I am, complaining about sleeplessness"

Try "Here I am, bemoaning sleeplessness"

Or something similar.

I'd forgotten how much I enjoy your poetry, my friend.

Keep writing

Ian.T

10 years 8 months ago

Alid

I must have Digit buy a ticket to drop by your City he needs a rest from the easy life/death in the USA, I shall see what I can do.
But keep writing as you do it is good and full of feeling.
Yours Ian.T

alidzain

10 years 8 months ago

Thanks Ian

for the visit and the encouragement. will be waiting for Digit to make an entrance.

Alid