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JJ

Jenifer James

Jan 16, 2013 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

small poem

we are naked in the kitchen, lip to cheek
I am white as pearl, soft with sleep
toast burns, but on the floor

sand glitters diamonds-

memory of ocean, long bleached ribs of beach
your wind dried body, complexity of male
wrapped deep around my pale

translucent peace

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: nsw, australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: Too many influences, probably. Always listening to new voices as well as remembering the old

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More from this author

Comments

J

12 years 5 months ago

I called this 'small poem'

I called this 'small poem' because I have gathered 'love' and stuff makes critics hide! I have a lot of rich themes coming off this one for other poems. Took a lot of lines away because I wanted it to be small, just a moment in time.

F

12 years 5 months ago

What did you take away?

Was nice but perhaps you should PM?

12 years 5 months ago

all about the hideousness

of masculinity *
women love to suffer

great small one
will compensate a weaklings....

*****complexity of male
wrapped deep around my pale

F

12 years 5 months ago

Wow

Loved that even more!

12 years 5 months ago

Jenifer

It is so dangerous to do much in the kitchen, but I suppose the extra danger adds spice to things and that's where we keep the spice, good fun write, Yours Ian.T