snap shot (revised)

I like the 1 st version. Because it sounds better in my mind and easier to grab the meaning. I also like the words "sun-sensitive petals".
Love the idea.

I've been hooked by the title. I really like it and with my respect for the two revisions I like the first because of that simple line 'sun sensitive-petals. Slight differences though so you can either satisfy Steve by taking his suggestion into concideraton or keep your own 'Snap shot. Much enjoyed the photo :-)

Both versions are excellent, as you know Steve brings in that underlying edge to the way he arranges things, but your words to prompt his are equal to the task.
Well done both of you, Yours Ian.T

But I think this reads better. What do you think? There is nothing wrong with long, coherent lines, and it makes the single word lines stronger.

daylight swept away
by encroaching night
waning memory of purest
delight
water lilies, folding, closing
sun-sensitive petals

as birdsong ceases
and I too fade
from your sight
until all is gone
and I am naught
in your mind
but
a time aged photograph
.
.

Stripped of the petal line it does merely flow
I remember reading Sexton who went through
tons of critique and rejection (Like years, before
her works were published in the major mags
of her day) (and she did this to supplement family income)

she wrote a lot of lines a lot of descrptors
Now here we have three different offered versions of
your work Like the workshop approach

great suggestions all!!

When I bagan reading this I thouht "line break needed here and here" . But I just read it straight through and upon completion decided the present form accentuates the snapshot feel of the whole thing. Hmmm......"as bird song ceases" to me using ceases denotes a more gradual end, which might be what you intend. But if you want the ending to be more sudden(like camera flash) you could use stops instead of ceases. Almost forgot to say I like the poem and its pacing...................stan

I enjoyed reading this poem all of the suggestions given are good. so I have nothing to add to them

i like your version with that extra line. but i find both writes jerky to read. i agree with jess re the line lengths and spacing requiring a change. here is my suggestion. i haven't changed a word either :)

daylight swept away
by encroaching night
waning
memory of purest
delight

water lilies
folding
closing
sun-sensitive petals

as birdsong ceases
and I too
fade
from your sight

until all is gone
and I am
naught
in your mind
but
a time aged photograph

a beautiful write cat, i love it all, but i especially love the finish
love judy
xxx

to my suggestions.
Of course you must feel the original is better, but the coherent phrases add something for me.

The easiest task is to scrub afresh
the most difficult is to germinate,
A thought.

‘’Life is a negative
the snap alone
is a positive
it lives....’’
Anon

snap shot

daylight
swept away
by encroaching night
waning memory
of purest
delight

water lilies
folding
closing
sun-sensitive petals
as
birdsong ceases
I too
fade
from your sight
until all is gone

I am
naught
in your
indelible mind
but now
a time aged
photograph…

minor changes
within the frame work of my shivering heart
loved it

'''hourglass wrinkled snap/photograph ...''

since one would never know
when the snap was taken