so long since the dawn of dusk

i am young in my dreams again.
i can shoot marbles and win again.
the rail line still shivers under the
patient iron wheels of a train that
passed all those years ago. i still
wear the hole in my shaded pants
which my mother meant to mend.
i still chase after the pigeon that
escaped to the gutter on the roof.
my teacher dusts his well-worn
shoes before he turns to the
homework we did not do.

so long since the dawn of dusk.
so long since i heard that song.
how long till i won't have to wrap
my dreams in bandages again.

About This Poem

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Northern Cape, South Africa

Favorite Poets: Phillis Wheatley

Comments

Artyfax

11 years 7 months ago

Hi There ...

I feel a little bit out of my depth commenting upon poems on here, but here goes anyway.
I like the way this begins and love the last four lines but I feel a little uneasy about the portion from "memory of my father's voice" to "soul's content". I am not sure why but it doesn't seem to work as well as the rest of the poem.
Although I like those last four lines, may I suggest a change for your consideration. The last line reads, "my dreams in bandages again." I would see bandage (singular) giving a better feel to the line for me.
For the same reason is impatient better than patient (line 4).
And finally, would faded make more sense than shaded. (line 6)