So We Mourn

You have the intelligence to look at world affairs and politics and write important poetry.

This piece of writing things is lacking in flow, then it is a list of an account, nothing about the ones that suffered or how they suffered, or where..
Let the poetry flow and include the people even a child wandering with vacant stare, as they do in these earthquake places, grown ups will wander as if in a trance.
I am not sure, but I think that this could do with characters to enhance the meaning and the feeling of loss..
Copy it to a word doc edit then bring it back, in its portrayal of death it needs life..
OK I will leave it to you to sort.
I shall find one of mine that talks about a war zone, then you can see the story of maybe where and when..
Have a good go it has the bones of a good write,
Yours as always Ian..
Terror of War

Terror of War

I cried I screamed
I could not think,
or dream of normal things
That you out there,
hold not so dear..
Faces crawling with scum,
then holes!
.
Holes in bodies,
it had just begun..
A redness flows
through matted hair.
It grabs at the dust
that is gathered there
It’s dragging the dust
of my friend this way.
.
A crazy paving
of red streaked clay
My friend, my friend,
why cant you wait?
A flickering smile,
that’s flaunting your state
Your peaceful look,
that holds no hate.
As you slip away from me.
.
Maybe you know
what lies beyond
For you at the end,
Now in this day
I have only to wait,
sit, and pray.
.
That your smile is no lie
That I could if only I…..

go a bit more in depth why were lives snuffed out by tragedy
a plague? war? nature?

a nation (IS) in mourning again why?

the dream for a future(GONE)
severed(BY)the hands of fate
and so on
look deep inside yourself and pull those feelings out
personalize the poem more and by that I do not mean include your own tragedy
what I mean is
dig then dig deeper then dig some more

picture the scene , what are you seeing , what are you hearing , how does it make you feel
ill?angry?numb?
are you conversing with someone if not pretend you are what would the conversation sound like
I guess in a nutshell what I am trying to do is to get you to write deeper than the surface otherwise it reads like a news report

I know you have the ability to make this an outstanding piece of work

better now we know what it is about

meter is no more than a series of beats

tap out or count out your beats think of the poem as having a heart beat each syllable is one beat

"out of the night that covers me"
read it out loud it has eight beats
or from the darkness surrounding me (8 beats)

the content is there now you have to find the correct cadence

it helps if you read your poem aloud then you can hear the beat as to whther it falls short or is to long
giving your poem the choppy sound
when read aloud it should flow
no matter if it is rhyme or free verse

most dictionaries give an idea of traditonally stressed syllables either in spelling or the use of a symbol above the letter. eg
accent
[n. ak-sent; v. ak-sent, ak-sent]
or àccent, accènt,

Meter is the answer. Pick one and use it. The poem slips dangerously close to prose at times because the meter changes so many times in a single verse. The poem is powerful and stands on its own. I would not change it meter or no. Simply consider meter more carefully in your next poem.

I think you've been given some solid advice on this poem and its the sort of advice you should take into account next time your writing, In the beginning it seems like forever ago i got some amazing advice and I've used it to my best ability, I still have so very much to learn unfortunately i have little energy to study its something to plan for in the future though

Good work here and great ideas people !

I remember hearing about this tragedy I'm so sorry for the loss so many of you must be feeling, my condolences.

Love and hugs Jayne xox

Good emotive poem. The first thing you should do is read this aloud and you will find that some of your punctuation gives pauses where I don't think you intend the reader to pause. Line 6 is clear in what you want to convey but perhaps lacking in poetic style. Something like "Youthful dreams denied a future" would be better? Also "only time will tell".. same thing plus the phrase is very much overused. Maybe something like only the turning of the stars will say.

I'm aware this is a lot of nit-picking. I'm also aware that you are still in the phase of writing when poems seem to be pushing and shoving to get out of your pen lol. As you gain experience you will likely give more consideration to phrasing and such in each line and stanza (and likely use a lot of erasers lol) before you put each line to page. But keep on writing. Nothing beats experience.......stan

I focused on flow and language. I don't expect you to take my edits as gospel, just use them as examples of more descriptive language and a tighter story.

Generally, though, I am offering suggestion only because I was asked. The only critique I have of the first paragraph is that, the better you know a place, the more detail you should put into it. This does two things. For those who know the area, it connects them more quickly. For those who do not know the area, it makes it real.

Here is my recast of your 1st stanza:

When the land of Sabah shook,
unleashing its wrath,
between the mountains and the sea
lives were extinguished
like an errant breeze
snuffs a candle.
At Mount Kinabalu,
Tragedy,
mourning,
and the crushing of hope
among the landscape thrown to ruin,
leaving a nation, mourning.
The hands of a negligent fate
digging ready graves
for youthful dreams
and lost futures.
Gems interred
and absent from a generation.