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Apr 14, 2018
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Solitude
Quiet in the darkness of the forest
Evening - golden mare - tells her story.
Shadows scattered, moon invited over.
Crimson leaves like tired vagrants
Lying on the forest floor and snoring.
I am sitting by the fire listening to music.
Music of the melting in the kettle snow,
Music of the burning days and crackling
Joints of skinny trunks and branches.
Happy solitude of dreaming...
About This Poem
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
raj
7 years 2 months ago
This is exquisite stuff IRiz.
This is exquisite stuff IRiz. You have a poetic eye of looking at things differently.
................................
IRiz
7 years 2 months ago
Thank you for liking my
Thank you for liking my trochaic pentameter.
It is good for story telling.
trekker
7 years 2 months ago
Solitude
Nice imagery especially with music being brought in with the picture. Nice job!
trekker
IRiz
7 years 2 months ago
Yes, thank you for reading! I
Yes, thank you for reading! I was thinking how sounds sometimes became more than noise in the quiet forest.
chevyvent
7 years 2 months ago
You have a precious soul
"Quiet in the darkness of the forest", very vivid illustrations you have a warm soul.
A romantic aura intact with your writings.
The piece make you really think outside the box.
Really good words you have created keep it together.
Thank you for the opportunity to read good stuff.
IRiz
7 years 2 months ago
What can be better than
What can be better than
a warm comment
on a cold day of belated spring?
Thank you, dear Mario.
weirdelf
7 years 2 months ago
I would not dream of intruding on your solitude
but I'm there in spirit.
No crit.
IRiz
7 years 2 months ago
But does it fit the trochaic
But does it fit the trochaic pentameter to your eyes and ears? Joking apart, it is important to know because my accent sometimes destroys the meter.
weirdelf
7 years 2 months ago
You never told me the intention was trochaic
I didn't spot it because the foot count varied a lot-
Code: T=Trochaic ~=Caesura C=Catalexis (broken foot) [x= feet per line]
Quiet/ in the/ darkness/ of the/ forest [Tx5 feet]
Evening/ - golden/ mare ~ - tells her/ story. [tx5 feet with Caesura]
Shadows/ scattered/, moon in/vited/ over. [Tx5 feet]
Crimson/ leaves like/ tired/ vagrants [Tx4 feet]
Lying/ on the/ forest/ floor and/ snoring. [Tx5 feet]
I am/ sitting/ by the/ fire/ listen/ing to/ music. [Tx7 feet]
Music/ of the/ melting/ in the/ kettle/ snow, [Tx6 feet with Catalexis]
Music/ of the/ burning/ days and/ crackling [Tx5 feet]
Joints of/ skinny/ trunks and/ branches. [Tx4 feet]
Happy/ soli/tude of/ dreaming... [Tx4 feet]
OK, all Trochaic, bar the Cataleptic Caesura and Catallexis
5 of 10 lines Pentameter, not so good.
You can see parsing is time consuming, that's why I'm begging for anyone who knows how to do it to help me with this workshop.
IRiz
7 years 2 months ago
Oh Jesus, what a mess. it is
Oh Jesus, what a mess. it is tough. Thank you.
I prononce mare as a to syllabi word, may I?
Or nobody does that?
weirdelf
7 years 2 months ago
You're allowed
Mare is fine as 2 syllables. It is much easier than trying to teach Southern States Americans where the stresses are!
Evening/ - golden/ mare/ - tells her/ story. [tx5 feet with 2 Caesura, no Catalapesis]
IRiz
7 years 2 months ago
and the line is a trochaic
and the line is a trochaic pentameter? I don't count hyphen as a syllabus, should I?
weirdelf
7 years 2 months ago
The hyphens are Caesurae,
it is pentameter.
Eumolpus
7 years 2 months ago
likes
I really like the first stanza a lot and all the images, especially of the snoring leaves and the setting.
I like the second but would consider that it is the sounds of those things which create a "music", rather than immediately defining them as music.
I do not prefer the last line as it tells me what i think the poem evokes, and seems to be there to confirm it to the reader. I also am not a fan of most poems which end with "...", including my own,
but that is just a personal thing.
I cannot help with Jess' take on syllables. He is way above my knowledge on that!
;;
..
IRiz
7 years 2 months ago
Dear Eumolpus,
Dear Eumolpus,
thank you for your comments. I actually agree with you that the last line is excessive.
Without it the poem feels unfinished and would be a great contribution to the other workshop. (kidding)
Have a nice week.