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Dec 24, 2017
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The sometimes of life
Sometimes when you live,
You live to the fullest.
Sometimes when you bleed,
You lose to much blood.
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
themoonman
7 years 7 months ago
Hi,
I like your short poignant verse,
feel the last word is unnecessary,
and it should end at "much" ... just
a suggestion, thanks for posting.
swamp-witch
7 years 6 months ago
Hey Scooby,
Good to see you back. Hope everything is okay.
I really appreciated the succinctness of this poem, so much is said in said a little place. Those are my favorite sorts of poems.
Two tiny things:
I do agree with themoonman that the last word could possibly go (or maybe even change to something like like "too much of yourself" just something to avoid the close repetition of bleed/blood, especially in such a short and poignant poem)
"lose to much" --> "lose too much"
Hope you don't mind the suggestions! I hope this poem marks a return for you with more like this.
Take care,
Kelsey
Eumolpus
7 years 6 months ago
well stated
not much to add to such a short piece, one worth quoting. I would, though, adjust the title.