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autumnphoenix

Apr 01, 2011 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Spring

Spots of green reaching
through moist fertile soil they push
vernal plants emerging

rewrite:
Spots of green reaching
pushing through moist fertile soil
vernal plants emerging

rewrite
spots of green reaching
pushing through moist fertile soil
tender plants appear

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Eastern

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Country/Region: USA

Comments

Geezer

14 years 3 months ago

The image...

of Spring, is evident. I do think that the 2nd line a lttle unwieldy. Maybe you could eliminate the last two words, and just say: through moist, fertile soil? It wouldn't change the meaning. ~ Gee

Candlewitch

14 years 3 months ago

Hello Again!

Nice to see you and Springs arrival, too. I think this would read more smoothly like this:

Spots of green reaching
pushing through moist fertile soil
vernal plants emerging

Just a suggestion.

Always, Cat

vexations10

14 years 3 months ago

Agree

with Candlewitch, a nice time to find meaning and inspiration from our environment.

raj

14 years 3 months ago

Thank You

Cat,
I have taken the suggestion you gave and agree. It does have a better flow to it.
Many thanks to you as well Vexation and Raj.

weirdelf

14 years 3 months ago

In haiku every word is critical.

So there is no room for repetition.
Vernal means spring.
pushing through is very close to emerging.
If you replaced those words with something relating to your feelings or a philosophical idea you could have a much deeper haiku.

autumnphoenix

14 years 3 months ago

Thank you

Hello Jess and Chrys
It is good to have your comments. More importantly thank you for taking the time to read my poem. No excuse for the miss count of the last line. I do know the haiku form and beg your pardon for the miscount. I have tried your advise as well as fixed the count of syllables. I hope this reads as well to you as it does to me now.

Thanks

scribbler

14 years 3 months ago

hello

late to the party but really liked seeing the evolution of this Haiku................scribbler

weirdelf

14 years 3 months ago

I am less concerned about the syllable count,

and more concerned about giving it an emotional or idea dimension beyond the descriptive.