Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
Nov 16, 2019
⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)
St Obesita's Is Calling You
In long gone olden days, Christians used to scourge themselves
And crawl around desperately on bloodied knees to prove their faith
Or they'd fast and not eat their four square meals (plus snacks) a day
But there's no need for that nowadays; self-denial is so 20th century.
So why don't you waddle along to St Obesita's Pentecostal Church,
The chapel that loves to feed your flabby body and your soul,
Where king-size portions of Christian excess are served up 24/7?
No sirree, Christianity doesn't come any bigger than at St Obesita's.
You can muncha-longa-burger while you hum your favourite hymns,
We've got unlimited non-diet Coke to refresh you at our six-hour sermonathons
And you're welcome to chew on giant blessed wafers with extra holy glucose
And guzzle sweet non-alcoholic communion wine served by the brimming quart jug.
And kindly don't forget our wonderful seasonal specialities as well:
Why there's our Eastertide all-day high cal-'n'-protein barbecue Last Supper
And our Xmas family fun consecrated monster mince-pie eating contest
With 1% of profits going to our unique "stale cookies for Africa" charity.
Say, folks, why be depressed by all those gloomy, skinny crucifixion pictures
When you can enjoy gazing on the lifesize four hundred pound* clockwork Jesus
On our distinctive and patented contemporary reinforced concrete cross?
Put a coin or two in the slot and he'll sing your favourite psalm.
Won't you sit back and relax in our extra-wide super-strength comfort pews
And easily navigate the generous double doors to our beautiful chapel of rest?
We're real proud too of our super extra giant size baptismal re-birthing pool
And the industrial strength derrick we've installed to lift you lovingly in.
Our wedding fees include a whole prenuptial turkey and faithdom fries per person -
And don't forget, folks, if you book your own funeral service online now,
We'll give you a double-width coffin for the price of a regular one!
It's so easy to make St Obesita's your spiritual cafeteria of preference.
YEEHA!
About This Poem
Last Few Words: * NOTE RE "400 pounds" For those in various weight-measurement jurisdictions..... [a] in Britain, please replace "400 pound" with "28 stone" [b] in the rest of the world, please replace "400 pound" with "180 kilo" But no matter how you measure it we are talking OBESE! HUGE! GROSS!
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Not actively editing
Comments
Geezer
5 years 7 months ago
From Killer's...
point of view, they are just another cut of meat. You trim the fat like you would a good steak or chop. We don't care much for those skinny little things without at least some fat, but I guess it all depends on your preference. We have known some tasty bacon made from those 400 lb. porkers! All-in-all, another fine rant! I'm not sure that your efforts to educate the heathens on jurisdictional weight measurements mean much when it comes to barbecue, but a nice touch! ~ Geezer.
.
Edna Sweetlove
5 years 7 months ago
Thank you!
I much appreciate your comment. It is possible that a real fatso's corpse would indeed need a bit of trimming to fit into a coffin. It's thoughts like that which make the world go round.
Geezer
5 years 7 months ago
Well...
I do suppose that when Killer is through with them, they won't need much of a coffin. There will be a lot of meat gone. Those neighborhood barbecues are usually well attended.
Edna Sweetlove
5 years 7 months ago
Confusion reigns
I have to admit I don't know what you're talking about. "Killer"??? Neighbourhood barbecue?
Geezer
5 years 7 months ago
I have...
an alter-ego named Killer, he is a gourmet chef and a cannibal, who kills bad people and serves them to unsuspecting guests. I have written numerous poems about him.
Edna Sweetlove
5 years 7 months ago
Interesting
Dear Geezer
A cannibal chef? Excellent. 'Waste not want not' is always a good motto.
lovedly
5 years 7 months ago
This is the second poem of yours I have read PACKED with Humour
We'll give you a ''double-width coffin'' for the price of a regular one!*
It's so easy to make St Obesity's your spiritual cafeteria of preference!
*You could perhaps add
....one extra
if for your hubby you book too
Edna Sweetlove
5 years 7 months ago
Big coffins
A quadruple size would not be supported by the St Obesity's derrick.
scribbler
5 years 7 months ago
It
is against site guidelines to attack any religion .
Geezer
5 years 7 months ago
Is there such...
a religious sect named St. Obesity's Pentecostal Church?
scribbler
5 years 7 months ago
No
But she uses Christianity a lot while making it obvious that is who she is going after.
Edna Sweetlove
5 years 7 months ago
Pathetic
It really is pathetic the way some people can't take an effing joke.
Edna Sweetlove
5 years 7 months ago
O dear.
I sometimes wonder at people's naivety.
Edna Sweetlove
5 years 7 months ago
Good point, gezzer!
"St Obesity's" is obviously too unlikely, so I have renamed it "St Obesita's", a big improvement I would hope.
Edna Sweetlove
5 years 7 months ago
Site guidelines
I have looked at them, Scribby. They say " Neopoet will not tolerate comments regarding a member’s race, sex, sexual preference, religion, disability or any type of personal derogatory comment aimed at a member. Personal attacks will be dealt with harshly by the AEC."
How is this, by any stretch of the imagination, a comment regarding a member's race, disability, religion etc etc? It merely comments on the growth in obesity in society.
I would have thought some comments I have received are actual "personal attacks". One person accused me of "spewing out hatred". Should I complain about that? I probably can't be bothered, but would ask that you and your colleagues think before they criticise.
weirdelf
5 years 5 months ago
No, Stan, it is against site guidelines to attack a person
for their religion.
Religions themselves are open game and so they should be.
scribbler
5 years 7 months ago
I was just giving you some good advice. You need to review the
site guidelines pertaining to attacking people's religion.
Edna Sweetlove
5 years 7 months ago
How is this any sort of "attack" on religion?
It is a satire.
If a the adherents of a religion cannot bear a little satire, I feel sorry for them.
PS: You and one other person seem to be going out of your way to be as unwelcoming to a newcomer as possible.
themoonman
5 years 7 months ago
Hi,
Actually the poetry here is not censored,
(within reason). The guidelines refer to
individual members on a personal level,
not the poetry.
Edna Sweetlove
5 years 4 months ago
Thank you
Thank you for clarifying that point. I have never (and would never) attack anyone on a personal 'ad hominem' level - one assumes that pointing out an error is not to be seen as a personal attack.
.
scribbler
5 years 7 months ago
Jeeze
I try to keep a new member from getting in trouble and she decides I have some kind of ax to grind
Edna Sweetlove
5 years 7 months ago
If...
If your wish was to "keep a new member out of trouble" then I regret it if I have misinterpreted your advice. However, the guidelines you referred me to said I should not make personal racial, religious, etc etc remarks about a member. If you could point out where I have done so I shall be happy to apologise to the member concerned.
In an earlier post you commented (referring to me as the "she" in the sentence):...."But she uses Christianity a lot while making it obvious that is who she is going after." Perhaps you could elucidate about my "using" Christianity and "going after" someone as I have never "gone after" anyone on this site (why/how could/would I, since I know no one here?).