The Stain

Nothing ventured, nothing gained
and nothing's changed at all;
until the children die in vain
did someone think to call?

Sorry, are our tomorrows
as the branding iron burns,
with the flesh of our existence
on a dare, one finally learns.

And, so we try and organize
so facts will all align;
but, it's too difficult to hear
a broken heart, over a troubled mind.

So, "logic" takes no time, at all
wrapping our heads around,
a war cry so ingenious
that, it doesn't make a sound.

It's okay to feel the sorrow
it's fine to wrestle with the pain;
but, on our children we shouldn't borrow
because, it leaves too big a stain.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Region, Country: The High Desert, in the wild west, southern California, U.S. of A.., USA

Favorite Poets: Keates, Poe, Dickinson, and Dr. Seuss. There are a smattering of others, but why bother listing 'em all, ya know?, I also rely on a few of our poets, here....for advice, and what not. I couldn't possibly explain what a fountain of live, effective knowledge we have...right here in our midst ! To catch a glimmer of brilliance, merely visit: the Stream.

Comments

Eduardo Cruz

14 years 3 months ago

Doc

The point of this is very good. the structure and rythm are great until this stanza:
:
"That's one time "logic" has to wrap
it's mind around the clues;
that so readily confuse us
as we hurridly pay our dues"

It seems you forced it, I'm of the opinion this stanza needs a re-write to keep the flow of the rest of the poem.
It's up to you, maybe it's just me. :)
Eddie C..

docmaverick

14 years 3 months ago

I appreciate....

...your candidness, (or, as I would probably say: your "candidity"). That's the one stanza that I, myself wasn't completely happy with. Actually, it was the result of a fleeting thought, and a premature conceptual direction,
with the misuse of my poetic liscense.....which we both know, usually won't end up faring well, at all!
All seriousness, aside.....whatever I just implied had definate, serious undertones....but, doesn't even remotely describe how pathetic that stanza ends up being, in the broader scope of the collective effort.
In other words, I concurr; and will soon cease evasive actions, and tackle the task.
seriously,
thanx, again.
doc.

Eduardo Cruz

14 years 3 months ago

Doc

It's like a child, we don't want any one to tell us how to rear them, so it's cool.
it's your baby my friend what ever you do it's yours to do.
Eddie C.

docmaverick

14 years 3 months ago

Hey Eddie....

...is this a better verse, or not? Let me know, if you will.
Thanx,
doc.

scribbler

14 years 3 months ago

hi Doc

I think it a shame the way we load down the next generation. If you can stand a few more ideas?
L-10 swap places with up and to
L-11 add so or too after it's
...................scribbler