Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
Nov 01, 2024
⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)
On a starry night!
Ravishingly bold
our tale as yet untold.
Wandering aimlessly
through the night.
Embrace with passion
before the primal light.
Your heart is strong,
my body hot.
I reach for you submissively
to feel your warmth,
your supple breasts.
Release the strength
which I possess,
as we pass through
this languid night.
We lie there naked
gazing up
into a starry sky
Then amble off with
warm soft blankets.
Remembering the
sheer delight!
Listening to your
still soft voice.
We set the night afire!
About This Poem
Last Few Words: Nomething that so I've ever done, just some feelings released through a writers pen.
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
7 months 3 weeks ago
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "On a Starry Night" demonstrates a strong use of imagery and emotive language, creating a vivid picture of a passionate encounter under the stars. However, there are areas where the poem could benefit from further refinement.
Firstly, the poem could benefit from a clearer narrative or thematic progression. While the poem effectively conveys a sense of passion and intimacy, it is somewhat unclear how the various elements of the poem connect to each other. For example, the transition from "Embrace with passion before the primal light" to "Your heart is strong, my body hot" could be made more cohesive.
Secondly, the poem could benefit from a more consistent use of meter and rhyme. The poem currently uses a free verse structure, which can be effective in conveying a sense of spontaneity and raw emotion. However, the inconsistent use of rhyme and rhythm can make the poem feel disjointed and can disrupt the flow of the poem.
Lastly, the poem could benefit from a more nuanced exploration of its themes. The poem currently focuses on physical passion and desire, but it could potentially delve deeper into the emotional and psychological aspects of the relationship it depicts. This could add depth and complexity to the poem, making it more engaging for the reader.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Candlewitch
7 months 3 weeks ago
Dear John,
Good morning on this All Saint's Day! I much enjoyed this poem. my favorite lines are:
Remembering the
sheer delight!
Listening to your
quaint soft voice.
We set the night afire!
take a look at the "last few words" section. I think you may want to revise it?
many hugs, Cat xxx
Geezer
7 months 3 weeks ago
I think...
that you could make a couple of better word choices here; I don't have the feeling that you reach for her [submissively], I do think that you would be better served to use the word hungrily. [Or in another case, tentatively]. You could also keep the thought of [warm, soft blankets], by saying: [and dozing off], in our warm, soft blankets, we lie there, savoring the sheer delight. I'm not sure what to do with the phrase: Listening to your quaint, soft voice; you might decide to drop it altogether.
A great job of releasing some feelings through the writer's pen. Imagination or not,
certainly, worthy of our attention. ~ Geez.
.
Leslie
7 months 3 weeks ago
Cat... & Sir G.
Thank you for commenting, I appreciate your comments and your comments and your advice!