the stars wish i would stop penning hope

the mountains around me are tired
of sitting still
and i am sick of writing poems on this coffee table,
an empty mug on flat wood
a bonsai hating yellow and that sunrise
wilting
like all the leaves in today's rain
like the pianoforte through these four walls,
some kind fingers
playing temporary pauses
for the sound sleeping outside shaded windows—
its mouth full of love songs and nostalgia

About This Poem

Last Few Words: I'm compiling a "working book" and will like any suggestions to improve before i submit it to the press. thanks in advance! oh, and i'm happy to return any constructive critiques :)

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Country/Region: USA

Favorite Poets: Nizar Qabbani, Anne Sexton, Charles Bukowski, Gurudev Rabindranath Tagore, e e cummings, Pablo Neruda, Jalal ad-Dīn Muhammad Rumi

Comments

CCfire

14 years 3 months ago

Strong

Your images are always precise in your writing, I never have to search for them, they tend to jump at you. I perhaps would remove one of the 'like' as when they follow each other if makes me want to pause too long there and it interrupts the flow, one would be sufficient I feel. Glad you are doing a book, are we able to get copies or is this just for you?

paper umbrella

14 years 3 months ago

right now, i'm keeping the

right now, i'm keeping the like since i'm working with repetition for a while :) but thanks, i might come back and change it. if i ever manage to get something printed, i'll send you a copy ;)

CCfire

14 years 3 months ago

Published is good

Awesome, and sure if it's something you're working on by all means...and I will hold you to a copy of your book

Nordic cloud

14 years 3 months ago

And a copy to me too Ann of

And a copy to me too Ann of Norway? Please!!

paper umbrella

14 years 2 months ago

of course :)

Roscoe Lane

14 years 3 months ago

Yes the,

Yes the images are strong and in my mind i can hear the piano, nice poem. Good luck with your book. Regards Roscoe..

paper umbrella

14 years 2 months ago

thank you :)

Nordic cloud

14 years 3 months ago

its just damned good. Terrific you paper umbrella..

"the mountains around me are tired of sitting still"
How we loved it and laughed at this wonderful thought.

"and i am sick of writing poems on this coffee table,"
Then this beautifully mundane table stained with coffee.

"an empty mug on flat wood"...such tactile senses stirred.

"a bonsai hating yellow" SMILING

"and that sunrise wilting" SUPER

"like all the leaves in today's rain" ...each thought a haiku in itself.

"like the pianoforte through these four walls,
some kind fingers playing temporary pauses" ...how one knows this!!!!

"for the sound sleeping outside shaded windows—"...mind blowing synapses.

Do you know I found the last line suddenly slightly out of context and banal,
don't you think so Steven(Esker?) I don't know, but the rest of it is so fantastically wonderful I don't know what language to use, but its just damned good. Terrific you paper umbrella floating past my window in the mist this dawn, it fitted the atmosphere just right, thank you for the experience of it and love from Ann.