A Stranger Sort Of Slumber

I saw you swing
a lantern like a star
above your head,
you waved
and maybe called my name,
or sang it as
you'd often do
somewhere between
a whisper and a sigh

I clambered through
the rising mist
looking for you,
but then you disappeared,
and all that howled
was the empty wind
through a gaping cavity.

The world capsized
or I tripped
perhaps,
in a tumble of earth
and broken wings.

I felt your finger rest
on my lips,
your breath was cold,
your blanket covered me
as the night grew ever stronger
and my hearing
a little less...

About This Poem

Last Few Words: because this is how I feel... Now I'm really working on the ending of this poem. What do you think?

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Ghana, GHA

Favorite Poets: William Shakespeare, Lord Byron, John Keats, Percy Shelley, Oscar Wilde, Alfred Lord Tennyson, Henry Longfellow, William Yates, Ezra Pound, Sylvia Plath

Comments

Emina Smajevic

11 years 5 months ago

I don't like the last verse,

I don't like the last verse, maybe it's just me...besides that I think it's really beautiful

William Saint George

11 years 5 months ago

Could you be a bit clearer? I

Could you be a bit clearer? I want to know why

Emina Smajevic

11 years 5 months ago

it's somehow different from

it's somehow different from the rest of the poem, while I was reading it the rhythm was the same and then I was surprised, like something has broken, it just sounded like that

William Saint George

11 years 5 months ago

Thanks. I sort of get what

Thanks. I sort of get what you mean. I'll wait for other comments and take another look at it.

Pugilist

11 years 5 months ago

So, while there is some

So, while there is some decent imagery here, I am not getting a cohesive read. It feels stunted and that it end prematurely.

Also, even though it is free verse, you have stuck to a fairly cohesive pattern in tempo, except, as Emina noted, the last verse.

Perhaps you might open it up a bit more, use punctuation to take each thought and make it definitively start and end, thus creating a structure of conversation, even if the conversation is completely internal.

I believe there is a solid foundation here, I would just like to see either a more cohesive series of thoughts or a more definitive dreamlike environment.

William Saint George

11 years 5 months ago

I've edited the poem now. Is

I've edited the poem now. Is this better than the previous?

Pugilist

11 years 5 months ago

It does read cleaner, the

It does read cleaner, the added verse helps.

The last line does not grab me. It does not feel as if there is a conclusion to the piece for me.

Now, I could just be completely missing the point.

I love the first stanza and I enjoy how the rest of the poem builds and shapes the perceptions which is why, to me, the last line does not supply a conclusion.