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Stretching wings exercise (rhyme to westernized haiku)
upstairs roost for rent
mucous included, no floor
please mind shoes below
Here is the original rhyming poem.
Sheldon Shitty Shoes
a man thought he'd find some repose
boarding crows in his very large nose
but he's mad when they litter
for they don't have a shitter
he's bitter they shit on his toes
yes, his shoes are a mess
you could certainly guess
he’s depressed more or less and it shows
so it’s cleaned with a scraper
and wadded up paper
it's a caper of state that he knows
the offending affair
only lends to despair
people stare everywhere that he goes
he complains to the birds
"I AM COVERED IN TURDS!"
the poor man with the crows in his nose
About This Poem
Last Few Words: The conversion wasn't all I hoped it could be, but the original didn't include a season, so there it is, folks. I also added a title to the rhyme piece. Thomas
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction: Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
scribbler
3 years 10 months ago
I kept trying to come up
suggestions for change but found none lol.
Triskelion
3 years 10 months ago
Yeah...
the two forms are so far apart on the emotional spectrum, it's hard to convey the essence of the original, although the contrast itself nearly makes the comparison comical. Thanks for commenting.
Thomas
scribbler
3 years 10 months ago
I have found
Haiku and Senryu to be great at preserving small observations
Triskelion
3 years 10 months ago
Agreed. I had once read
a haiku that captured a moment in time I doubt I will ever forget it. The image it portrayed was that strong. I can't remember the haiku itself, but the image is as vivid now as it was at my first read. It had less than the 5-7-5 syllable count as I remember, so maybe that is the true beauty of the form- small and powerful.
Thomas