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Sep 27, 2014
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A Study in Pink ( Section Two)
It's late, yet none could fall asleep
while Mog the monster's free somewhere.
Mystery wraps, the demons weep,
and rain won't wash what has to scare.
No footprints, or bullets are found,
it's Mog for sure, again they face.
the bobbies desperate, they are drowned,
confusion seems would close this case.
Around the corner lives poverty,
but only coal is there to feed.
Someone has to kill the enemy,
before it grows up fast with greed.
So many Mogs behind now stand,
emotions die, and so the brains.
They all are starving to clean the land,
no matter if considered insane.
About This Poem
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
alidzain
10 years 9 months ago
Hi Rula
I'm confused. I thought Stan is the monster Mog ut you submitted this one.
Alid
Rula
10 years 9 months ago
salam khalid
You're right about Stan being the monster, but remember we can write about any character as suits the story not necessarily yours.
alidzain
10 years 9 months ago
Salaam, Rula
Do you mean to say that while we can create the character, we don't have to be it in the poem? emmm. How does the format go in the poem itself to build up the story?
Alid
lonlyhrtsclub13
10 years 9 months ago
we just keep building off each others poems
You can pick up where the person left off or start somewhere else. You can stay in character or use others. The story will build from that. It will be easier once all characters have made their entrance and start milling around the story. Keep your eyes open. Anabel is up next. Rula, really nice foreshadowing of the evil that lurks and will continue to lurk as the story goes.
Rula
10 years 9 months ago
dear Carrie
I agree it's of much fun. What I don't like is the being under the pressure feeling that a queue is waiting you to submit yours so they would be able to post theirs, however, this must have an advantage too. Writing under pressur is something I rarely practiced.
lonlyhrtsclub13
10 years 9 months ago
I agree
That writing under pressure is a little stressful but necessary for this project. I will be able to work on mine and post tonight after the kids are to bed. Then I can concentrate.
Rula
10 years 9 months ago
you can
build up from where I have left or build on using onother character, another scene but connected in a way or another. Use your witness. :)
Good luck
Barbara Writes
10 years 9 months ago
I think the queue is less
I think the queue is less pressuring bc you have time create your character in mind before writing and posting.
Rula I would like to have seen more about your character as well as someone else's. I didn't see that here. I will though read again to see if I missed it somehow.
Rula
10 years 9 months ago
it isn't
Only about your character. Sometimes you need to build on others' too
Here for instance, I talked about Stan's monster and then introduced my character Arnold who was seeking revenge because of the bad conditions that he grew in.
Barbara Writes
10 years 9 months ago
No bullets
After another read. No footprints or bullets. So Mog is a mystical creature that consumed the victim or drain some element from his body causing his death. I'm trying to picture your plot. "Around the corner poverty lived". It seems poverty maybe the Mog. Maybe the victim starved to death from hunger. Your plot is kinda vague to me, but after a reread three times to get a picture I suppose my character is investigating your description of Mog to figure out how the victim died. My detective character here. Lol can't wait to see who Carrie Annabel is.
scribbler
10 years 9 months ago
mog
In the distant past Mog and its brethren fed on the emotions of animals. This change when humans appeared. For the emotions of human is a much richer flavor BUT Mog and his species could not live in a symbiotic relation with human. Whatever caused the better taste also made the relation between Mog and humans parasitic. By feeding on human emotions Mog also weakened the humans. And Mog in particular LOVES the taste of human insanity and thus drives its hosts insane
Barbara Writes
10 years 9 months ago
Oh yeah
I like your Mog
lonlyhrtsclub13
10 years 9 months ago
anabel
Is someone u would never guess...hehehe...u know me...have to push the boundaries
Rula
10 years 9 months ago
vagueness
is part of the story, have you read Stan's profile?
Barbara Writes
10 years 9 months ago
Rula
You sound defensive. Did I despict your idea of the Mog or did I add to it. I guess Ill write it in my detective character.
Rula
10 years 9 months ago
Barbara
I am( the suspect) giving you ( the detective) a hard time. This is my job, isn't it? LOL.
But I really believe we should read others' profiles and make acquaintance
with all of the characters.
ps. Poverty refers in a way to Arnold.
Barbara Writes
10 years 9 months ago
Lol
I read all the characters a couple of times or more. My feeble brain can't keep them all up there. I must adjust my brain cells just to keep up and actually get this. Its all new to me this storytelling.
Okay so you the suspect is stan's Mog. See how slow I can be. Lol. It's why I break things down into details so I can get it better.
I read Arnold again he's a man that lived in poverty. Okay the Mog and suspect 2 you.
lonlyhrtsclub13
10 years 9 months ago
My section
is posted. Everyone, meet Anabel Lee Sumner
raj
10 years 9 months ago
Hi Rula
Nicely built up sequence in the story unfolding. I have only two suggestions, you may want to look at :-
In S1L4 "and rain won't wash what has to scare" try to look for an alternative line., since at least to me I couldn't understand what exactly you mean here.
In S2L7 "They all are starving to clean the land" would "cleanse" be a better option. Just a thought.
Regards,
Rula
10 years 9 months ago
Thank you raj
And many thanks for your thoughtful feedback.
As for that line, it refers to something written back by Wesley in (section one) I appreciate if you have any chance to read it and tell me then if the line makes any sense.
And yes cleanse is definitely more poetic and shall do when edits take place.
Can't thank you enough dear Sublime Ocean
Barbara Writes
10 years 9 months ago
Rula
If I may I think a slight reminder when referring to another character in your section would make it easy on the newbies. Jogs to memory works better than too much vagueness. We want to follow the flow of the story. Getting stuck and being told go bavk and read another section or profile bogs the process.
raj
10 years 9 months ago
Hello Rula
I believe you are referring to the following line from Wesley's (Section 1)
"The rain pours down; it’s playing truth or dare"
If so, I still feel "and rain won't wash what has to scare" doesn't gel well. You may ask Wesley though what is implied by "truth or dare" before considering my comment as valid. I believe the dare is with respect to his earlier line about demons .
Although, I'm not sure if it would fit properly, perhaps an alternative could be Rain won't wash what's come to bear" or "rain won't wash the icy glare"
Regards,
Rula
10 years 9 months ago
Thank you raj
I hope Sir Wesley will read your comment.
I'm much grateful for your alternatives. Will consider them after hearing from sir Wesley.
raj
10 years 9 months ago
Dear friend Rula
No big deal really to add a few pence to the collaborative WS which is developing so nicely. Yes, it would be right to know Wesley's opinion.
Regards,
Rula
10 years 9 months ago
I wished
To see you among the active participants of the WS, but of course you know better about your priorities.
Regards
wesley snow
10 years 9 months ago
Wow.
A lot of discussion. Exciting.
Remember we are telling an ensemble tale. Use all characters. We all created one at a time to produce our principal cast, but we must use them all. You should not focus on your character only. It's starting to look like everyone is blaming Mog. Who did he possess or is that what he even does?
Also, Fitzroy died because his head is missing. Where is it? Somebody help us look. It may lend a clue to where the actual killer was or is.
Barbara Writes
10 years 9 months ago
Wesley
Since Mog is the only suspect reveal in the sections so far by Rula. As the detective I think maybe Mog may have took his head by scaring him to point point he gets beheaded. Then taking it with him for some mystical reason. As for Carrie Annabel i haven't figure how she would have cause the victim head to go missing. Maybe she took it as some suvineur for her sick ritual of men sacrifice. Just thinking