AnnaNJ

Mar 30, 2012 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Summer

Your smile is summer.

It's the time when the sky is its bluest

and the clouds are soft enough to nap in,

when the air

smells like fresh cut grass and barbecue.

When all you hear

is the ice cream truck and the neighbors’ sprinklers.

It’s the first bite

of an ice cream sandwich

during adult swim at the pool.

It’s the feeling you get

the moment you step into the air conditioned house

after playing in the hot sun.

Your smile is summer.

It’s sweet

and hopeful.

And perfect.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: I usually don't put punctuation in my poems so I'm a bit hesitant. What do you think? Does it flow well without, or does it need the punctuation?

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Indiana, USA

Favorite Poets: Gabriel Gadfly, Tyler Knott Gregson, Warson Shire

Comments

AnnaNJ

13 years 3 months ago

Thanks for the constructive

Thanks for the constructive criticism. I made the adjustments that you recommended and I reread it and it looks a lot better. Thanks!

weirdelf

13 years 3 months ago

This is utterly delightful,

where a poet with less innate talent would make it sound cheap and trite.

I agree with Beau's crit, and glad to see the revisions improved it so much.

Write on! Young poet.

AnnaNJ

13 years 3 months ago

Thank you! I'm glad to see

Thank you! I'm glad to see you like this one better than my first.

judyanne

13 years 3 months ago

this is a beautiful write

full of imagery and descriptive
bringing the reader's own memories into the poem

one suggestion,
i'd drop the 'its' at the beginning of lines 2, 6 and 11 and (maybe) 15 - in which case you'd need to lose the full stop and maybe put an hyphen thingy there...
- imho of course

i adore the last three lines
love judy

AnnaNJ

13 years 3 months ago

Do you mean take out the

Do you mean take out the periods in the line's before and ad the hyphen instead or put the hyphen where the "its" were? Thanks for all of the support!

judyanne

13 years 3 months ago

i mean

Your smile is summer -
sweet
and hopeful.
And perfect.

love judy

Nordic cloud

13 years 3 months ago

Oh this is great

Oh this is great, its simplicity gives it a power where those more complicated poems hide the meaning in so many ways that the message becomes a whole way to travel. It is harder to express things simply and make it good.

The only thing that made me smile here was the "adult swim" but that's how it was I expect, its just amusing, which could make one tiny less poetic dissonance in the meaning of it all. On re-reading its only me who is a dissonance I think?

How well you captured the sense of Summer, and what a most beautiful beam of sunshine the words " your smile is summer" make.

Thank you Ann of Norway.

AnnaNJ

13 years 3 months ago

Thanks so much! I was worried

Thanks so much! I was worried that I had only captured the essence of my own childhood summers and I wanted others to be able to relate to it so your comment really reassure me in it. Thanks.