emogothgirl

Jan 01, 2012 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Summer Soldier

you ran away and
before you were
writing someone else's words
"plagiarism ain't a sin"
you said
i pretended i hadn't heard
but

summer soldier, would you fight for me?
summer soldier, would you go overseas?
summer soldier, those girls are awful pretty
would you die for me?
could you lie to me?

now i see
you were born to break things
countless pretty little hearts
crushed them up to
fine dust in the wind
never to return again
but

summer soldier, please come back for me
summer soldier, i've got no one, see
summer soldier, all these boys are awful pretty
would yould you die for me?
have you lied to me?

About This Poem

Last Few Words: definitely not done. wanted to get some feedback on how i should finish it, but i fear it is doomed to be left unfinished forever; whenever i physically title something i haven't finished, i can't finish it! crossing my fingers...

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How does this theme appeal to you?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: somewhere in the middle of the mountains, USA

Favorite Poets: life.

Comments

emogothgirl

13 years 6 months ago

yeah

i felt like it was too short to post so i kinda just tacked something onto it and hoped for the best. it's supposed to be a song, yes, but i can't for the life of me go on with the melody i had in mind.

Ian.T

13 years 6 months ago

"P"

Your youthful Spirit is portrayed in your dashing around this poem.
It would make a song, but needs a bit of work one of the best people to ask for help on this is Hooded Stranger he should be able to guide your ways, Yours Ian.T

emogothgirl

13 years 6 months ago

thanks. i was going to collab

thanks. i was going to collab with him a while ago, but then he took that personal leave :( guess i'll have to wait!

Ian.T

13 years 6 months ago

"P"

Yes HS has a lot of commitments so I hope this is for pleasure and not for other reasons, Yours Ian.T

loved

13 years 6 months ago

Summer soldier

very nice and lovely .

You may try to eliminate too much of repetition,
as ''SUMMER SOLDIER.'',
since it tends to give an impression ,
of lack of words
Hope you do not mind .

emogothgirl

13 years 6 months ago

Aaaah...

that's a tricky one. i need a few other words for "summer soldier," agreed. but where to find them? any suggestions?

loved

13 years 6 months ago

A modification like this may do..ONLY A SUGGESTION Ma'am

(summer soldier
please come back for me.
I've got no one,
see
all these boys are awfully pretty
would you really die for me?
have you lied to me?)

instead of .....

summer soldier, please come back for me
summer soldier, i've got no one, see
summer soldier, all these boys are awful pretty
would yould you die for me?
have you lied to me?

lou

13 years 6 months ago

HI

I like the theme of the poem, but for me the first three lines of the first stanza don't fit, i think maybe it would tighteen things up if you said something like ' you said plagerism isn't a sin , i ran from your borrowed words, covering my ears.'

lou

emogothgirl

13 years 6 months ago

i think you have the right idea

it's supposed to be a song that plays around with choppy rythyms, but it is just not working on paper - in this case, screen :) i'll play around with it.
thanks,
mag

scribbler

13 years 6 months ago

Hello

I agree with lou that the 1st 3 lines need redoing to flow better. Not much at lyrics but here goes for last stanza :
Now I've gotten word, you see
you're never coming back to me
with your last breath you cried for me
when my soldier died for me................pretty bad huh?...........stan

emogothgirl

13 years 6 months ago

thanks

not bad at all!
my thing is i'm trying to make the guy sound like a cheat and a coward, but i'll keep that in mind!
thanks again,
mag

wesley snow

13 years 6 months ago

I'm going out on a limb.

I like the whole structure. It felt like an 18th century widow's song from Wales. I liked Stan's stab at an ending. The whole piece feels like it needs to be considerably longer with many more "lessons" taught. Don't be afraid to repeat your chorus a few times. Unlike Loved, I didn't see a problem with the repetition in the chorus as I felt it was rather the point. You've obtained a lot of good suggestions, so I don't expect mine to be of much import, but thought I'd toss it out anyway.
wesley

emogothgirl

13 years 6 months ago

about that...

if i ever break that curse of unfinished work, it'll have at least one more verse and another variation on the chorus.
i appreciate everyone's comments wesley!
thanks,
mag