Leonard

Nov 09, 2014 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

SUN SET HAIKU

raspberry essence
on crushed ice, sun bled rivers
into woolly clouds

About This Poem

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: IND

Favorite Poets: Apart from Walt Whitman, the poet, there are a range of painters who have made a great impact on my work and life. Painters such as Henri Matisse, Pablo Picasso, Mark Rothko, Vincent Van Gogh and a host of others.

Comments

raj

10 years 7 months ago

Hi Leonard

I liked your vision. To me it is more a Haiku than a Senryu because I do not notice a human element in the 5-7-5 sequenced lines. However, if you could tweak line 3 by providing a verb it would be better...may be like..

raspberry essence
on crushed ice, sun bled rivers
rises unto clouds

Regards,

Leonard

10 years 7 months ago

Hi Raj, I absolutely

agree with you Raj. In fact, I first put Haiku and then I changed it to Senryu - was a little confounded.

Thanks anyway. Appreciate your visit and comment.

Cheers

PS: I was also not happy with the word "Woolly" - cliched but I couldn't find a better word.

Kailashana2

10 years 7 months ago

I saw a sunset like this a

I saw a sunset like this a couple of days ago. Agree with Raj. This is purely *nature*.

Leonard

10 years 7 months ago

Ana - Absolutely great to get back in touch

after such a long silence. I always remember one your most succinct and powerful comments on a poem which you felt - and indeed it was - was to philosophical: "Leonard, where is the heart". That really got to me. That one line said it all. At that time, I didn't say it but I have always wanted the oppportunity to tell you this.

I am glad you like my Haiku and even more so about getting back in touch. Your comment "I saw a sunset like that a few days ago" says it all.

Cheers

alidzain

10 years 7 months ago

Leonard

love the imagery on this one but raj is right. This is a haiku, not a senryu.

Alid

Leonard

10 years 7 months ago

Thanks Alid - Yes

I do agree with you and Raj - it is indeed Haiku. I was a littlle confused.

Thanks again

Cheers

Rula

10 years 7 months ago

Hello Leonard

This is an awesome painting with words.
Don't have any suggestions , but as I see you are not happy with 'woolly'. I thought maybe 'cotton'- which is fluffy, might be an alternative, but you know better.
Thanks for sharing.

Leonard

10 years 7 months ago

Thank you Rula

I really appreciate your stopping by and commenting. I feel honored by your comment.

Cheers

Kailashana2

10 years 7 months ago

What a wonderful thing to say

What a wonderful thing to say, Leonard. And that's so true, we never ever know what type of impressions we leave on one another's minds let alone in their hearts.

I'll take the heart any day. :-) The mind plays too many tricks on itself. :-)