Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
Oct 26, 2016
⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)
Sunflower Recollections
Colt in the quiet light of morning
Sunflower light meets the light of his big brown eyes.
In the world just 2 and a half years
No petulant toddler
Today he is awake to his toast.
Truth, if you can catch it.
About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
swamp-witch
8 years 3 months ago
Merlin,
Interesting little poem you have here! I see that this was for a contest that has long been over and I apologize that it was never commented on then! It is definitely a good little snapshot of a beautiful moment of the pastoral.
If I could make a suggestions about it now, I would say that you could try some synonyms for "light." You use the word "light" three times pretty close together in the first two lines, which can sound a little awkward at times. These word choices stand out all the more because they are in the couplet which you've set apart from the rest of the poem.
Maybe something like:
Colt in the quiet ease of morning
Sunflower light meets the warmth in his big brown eyes.
What do you think? Would you be interested in trying something similar?
Kelsey