Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
Feb 27, 2015
⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)
This poem is part of the workshop:
Effective Contemporary Pastoral poetry [Let's start]
SUNSET (Collaborative pastoral workshop) (Stan & Rula)
In a rocker near the sliding door
he stares outside this winter's day
not saying what he's looking for.
Look closely, his eyes are far away.
For they are focused in the past
and forests where he used to roam
or streams on which he used to cast
far from this retirement home
The rocking went on, forth and back
as the sun set and rose again
while in his heart he kept a track
of spaces he'd escaped his pain.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: the beginning and the middle by Stan the ending by Rula
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
raj
10 years 4 months ago
Hi Rula
a good addition of the third stanza which i believe you have added to Stan's first two. It runs well in this collaborative pastoral form. I only have a small problem with the use of "dearly" in the concluding line...may be you would want to replace it with something smoother...just a suggestion I venture to make...
Regards,
Rula
10 years 4 months ago
thank you raj
my word was "deary" not "dearly", so do you still feel the need to chang.
writing a sonnet was easier than these four lines as I don't want to spoil Stan's piece. I always thought I am not good enough when it comes to closing any poem.
Do you have any suggestions... I mean to replace "deary"?
raj
10 years 4 months ago
Rula
Dearly now goes pretty well as compared to deary, I don't see any reason for your apprehension with this form of poetry. Had I not sneaked into your Pastoral stream, i wouldn't have been able to make out that this is a collaborative effort...no wonder because this is collaborative effort of seasoned folks you have there....so don't nurse any self doubts..okay?
Regards,
Rula
10 years 4 months ago
edits
done.
Thank you raj
raj
10 years 4 months ago
Rula
you may now want to look at possibility of making the last line shorter.
Regards,
Rula
10 years 4 months ago
Raj
edits done. Hope it reads better.
Thank you!
raj
10 years 4 months ago
Rula
Oh yeah..it reads very smooth now. As always, you worked your magic :)
Regards,
wesley snow
10 years 4 months ago
Dearly...
is merely... a nonce word. A word created for a one time use. I play with them all the time.
Rula
10 years 4 months ago
Thank you sir!
I decided to drop it any way as it makes the line a bit longer than others.
Appreciate your visit.
Sparrow
10 years 4 months ago
Rula and Stan
A small point for Stan
S1 L4His look closed, eyes seem far away.
This to me is slightly better as it is a clearer picture..
Rula S3 L1 & 3 if I remember right the rocking chair has to be Back then Forth it is the way they are built, and has been Back and Forth since I made the first one in 1725 AD lol, these little things are the small things of English, that are stable in their writes, so I have made a second line but not sure of the word course to go with forth maybe you can find a better one,
The rocking went on back and forth
while in his heart he ran the course
Yours as always Ian..
scribbler
10 years 4 months ago
Hi Ian
The line in first stanza will be edited so as to change "close" to closely. I think that might clarify things. As to forth and back ,I think Rula reverse that in order to maintain rhyme in a following line.........stan
Rula
10 years 4 months ago
yes :(
I did the reverse to keep the rhyme in the next line. If it is too bad, I'd think of something else.
I am not sure also if the last line/stanza built on to make an effective pastoral poem which Stan started.
I mean " the idea of tracking places that once held his pain" does it indicate that he lives now in peace?
Thoughts?
wesley snow
10 years 4 months ago
It's just a quirk of mine,
but I reverse platitudes all the time. Not to force a rhyme, but rather as a matter of course, of style.
E.g. "hand to eye", I say "eye to hand". Just sayin'
Rula
10 years 4 months ago
Thank you Ian
someone must come and revolutionize all the old thoughts. LOL. That's me :)
You can now see the rocking chairs rock forth first then back. Who cares, the important point is that they are still rocking, aren't they?
Sparrow
10 years 4 months ago
Rula
As long as we are not off our rockers it matters not, I was just being PC for later days when we are old.
lol.
A good write which ever way we sway young Lady,
You take care out there and have a lovely day,
Yours, Ian and the Children.
judyanne
10 years 4 months ago
i really like this
It is a beautiful collaboration, but is it pastoral?
The ending didn't really make me feel relieved or at peace.... I felt that 'empty places that once held pain' was more sad than anything.... they should be filled with something better
Just me guys - I still really like the work
Love judy
xxx
Rula
10 years 4 months ago
I am not happy with it
either, I am trying to come with a different ending. Bear with me, please.
scribbler
10 years 4 months ago
try
Of spaces he'd escape his pain. Very little change and also conveys what I Think you mean. And ,no I don't mean copy this idea word for word, just a point in the right direction......stan
Rula
10 years 4 months ago
Thank you Stan
I appreciate it. Yes, a slight change makes a big difference.
I like it better now. You saved my day :)
scribbler
10 years 4 months ago
We're all
here to help one another