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Sunset (Loop Poetry)

Loop Poetry:

Sunset

Afternoon sun creates a canopy of light
light which enriches the balmy day.
Day of vivid colours, now courting evening
evening carries perfume' scented breezes.

Breezes fragrant, as the sun sets below
Below the horizon's edge of hues,
hues irrupting in a spray of glory
glory so fitting the closing of day.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: written on Candlewitch notepad on: 10-30-2024

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Northwestern Wisconsin USA, USA

Favorite Poets: Edgar Allan Poe, William Blake, Bob Dylan, Tom Petty, Carlos Castaneda, Jim Morrison, the whole of Neopoet and many more.

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Comments

neopoet

neopoet

8 months 1 week ago

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Sunset" effectively utilizes the loop poetry format to create a vivid and immersive depiction of a sunset. The repetition of the last word of each line at the beginning of the next line contributes to the rhythmic flow of the poem, which mirrors the cyclical nature of a day.

The use of sensory language, such as "canopy of light," "perfume' scented breezes," and "irrupting in a spray of glory," enhances the reader's experience by engaging multiple senses. This allows the reader to not only visualize the scene but also to smell and feel it, thereby creating a more immersive experience.

However, there are a few areas that could be improved. The phrase "Day of vivid colours, now courting evening" is somewhat ambiguous. The use of the word "courting" suggests a romantic or flirtatious interaction between the day and the evening, but it's not entirely clear what this means. It might be helpful to clarify or expand on this metaphor to ensure that readers fully understand the intended meaning.

Additionally, the phrase "glory so fitting the closing of day" is a bit awkward. It might be more effective to rephrase this line to something like "glory fitting for the day's close" to improve the flow and readability of the poem.

Lastly, the use of the word "irrupting" in the line "hues irrupting in a spray of glory" is a bit jarring. While it's clear that the intent is to convey a sudden, dramatic display of color, the word "irrupting" is typically used to describe a violent or disruptive event, which seems at odds with the otherwise peaceful and serene tone of the poem. Consider using a different word that conveys a sense of suddenness or drama without the negative connotations.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Rula

Rula

8 months 1 week ago

Wow!

This is absolutely the most beautiful I've ever read from your mighty quill dear Candle.
Amazing use of the form. You've superseded yourself!
Well done dear!

Candlewitch

Candlewitch

8 months 1 week ago

My Dearest Rula,

Thank you so very much for your reaction after reading my poem...I am thrilled...

much love, Candle xxx

Geezer

Geezer

8 months 1 week ago

This is...

very good! You have a good poem here.
I think I may give this a try; you and Rula make it look easy! Nice job!
~ Geez.
.

Candlewitch

Candlewitch

8 months 1 week ago

Deaest Sir Gee,

I would love to see both you and Killer try it (different poems. of course, lol!) eddy styx might give it a try, too! thanks for the praise.

love, Cat

Geezer

Geezer

8 months 1 week ago

Yeah, we will...

give it a try. I still have to finish Killer's Halloween Rites and Party.
Back at ya, ~ Geez.
.