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S
scribbler
May 14, 2011 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

SURPRISING WINGS

There are snails in my aquarium,
they eat and inch along the glass.
Fish don't harass or bother them
nor watch them as they slowly pass.

They slink along and slide about
within their mobile homes of shell,
creep like a bent old man with gout.
Yet they seem to do just swell.

But every once in a great while
these plodding, plain and mundane snails
turn loose and stretch and maybe smile?
and through the water they set sail!

So the question that I ask of you
why can not such as you and I
with a change in point of view
occasionally also thus fly?

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: South Carolina, United States, USA

Favorite Poets: Frost, Burns, Longfellow, Poe, and Johnson. I guess you've noticed these are all past masters. Other than folks on site I don't read any contemporary poets .

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More from this author

Comments

Eduardo Cruz

Eduardo Cruz

14 years 2 months ago

Sailing

we do it sometimes, but no one notices not even ourselves, because of preoccapation. So we miss it.
Very interesting write and observation by you my friend.

Eddie C.

S

scribbler

14 years 2 months ago

hi Eddie

Often the only time we know we've flown is when somebody else tells us.................stan

weirdelf

weirdelf

14 years 2 months ago

ah, you've done it, my friend.

I have suggested in the past that your adherence to classical form precludes meaningful content, but this one hits a nice spot!

Brilliant wordcrafting, it doesn't feel structured.

My only complaint is the line
as across the water they set sail
they don't. That one line alone, in my opinion, spoils the allegory.

S

scribbler

14 years 2 months ago

hi Jess

Thank you. But you know, these snail actually DO stretch out their foot and "surf" the tiny currents in the aquarium but not every day. It surprised me so much the 1st time I saw it that I convinced myself I was seeing things. There is also a variety of salt water snail which does the same thing in the surf zone. So now you can add that to your collection of little known facts lol................stan

weirdelf

weirdelf

14 years 2 months ago

little known fact #5

duly added.

My crit stands though, perhaps you could clarify it with an expression of surprise or something.

S

scribbler

14 years 2 months ago

hi

I'm always going back and tinkering with my messes lol. I will keep your thoughts in mind when I do so with this one. Thanks..............stan

A

Ayaz Warith

14 years 2 months ago

To me this is Scrutiny and

To me this is Scrutiny and Examination of aquatics with beautiful and much mental dexterity. This is really a wonderful poem, Stan.
Regards
Ayaz

S

scribbler

14 years 2 months ago

hello

Thank you. I just write what I see.................stan

S

scribbler

14 years 2 months ago

hello

thanks for coming by. I seldom leave my stuff alone and will keep your idea in mind when I return to "pick" at this again................stan

R

raj

14 years 2 months ago

Stan

very absorbing write and thought provoking too are the end lines...

S

scribbler

14 years 2 months ago

hi raj

If even snails can fly even I have a chance lol. Thanks for coming by.............stan

S

scribbler

14 years 2 months ago

hello

Thanks for coming by and reading..................stan

Nordic cloud

Nordic cloud

14 years 2 months ago

Oh big SMILE Stan.

Wouldn't we all?
To fly, but we do, sometimes in poetry,
sometimes in reality
when as we sail a small sail ship skimming across the water,
or ski over the snow jumping into the air now and then,
this is like flying to me;
and when, as yesterday,
I approached the brow of a hill through the dark pine wood and saw suddenly
a whole vista of woods stretching to the horizon far away,
the very blue lakes beneath,
then I felt as if I were flying.

But apart from that subject this flew us along in a perfect manner,
no bumps and I have no criticism of it,
splendid Stan.
Love from Ann

S

scribbler

14 years 2 months ago

hi

Thank you Ann, may your wings remain spread....................stan

weirdelf

weirdelf

10 years 8 months ago

excellent revisions

small but effective.
It shows the true value not just of Neopoet and revising but yourself as a poet.

S

scribbler

10 years 8 months ago

Hello

It's funny how letting something sit a while then returning to it makes areas for improvement so obvious isn't it? Thanks for the visit and supportive comment.........stan

Ian.T

Ian.T

10 years 8 months ago

Stan

My umbrella had to be de-mollusced the other day during a gentle downpour of green rain, I thought on the great plagues of the Egyptian's at first then was reminded here of your flying surfing snail and instantly knew what was going on, I looked to the sky and muttered a prayer God knows who to. where upon the rain ceased and since then only fish have rained on me, tee, he, he.
Great write and great to see you are bending to the groups input,
Yours as always Ian.T, He, He.

S

scribbler

10 years 8 months ago

hi

I wonder if Anybody is a good judge of their own work, I Know I'm not so I depend on others to spot foibles when I scribble something down.
I heard growling and hissing within a thunder cloud one day and before long it was raining cats and dogs lol